Choosing a Lawyer
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, August 27, 2008 by Author @ 9:19 AM
A businessman was trying to choose a lawyer, but was being very careful about it. He scheduled appointments to interview three lawyers.At the first lawyer's office, after an initial exchange of pleasantries, the businessman said, "Okay, let's get down to business. I have an important question for you, and I want you to think carefully before answering. How much is two plus two?"
The lawyer raised his eyebrows. "two plus two is four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.
The second lawyer, who was also a CPA, seemed a bit more particular than the first lawyer. After an initial discussion, the businessman again announced that he had a very important question, and asked, "How much is two plus two?"
The second lawyer went over to a computer, and entered figures into a spreadsheet. "According to my calculations, two plus two is approximately four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.
The third lawyer sat behind a big mahogany desk, and smoked a cigar. He seemed rather self-important as compared to the other two, but at the same time appeared to be much more successful. The businessman again announced, "I would like you to answer a very important question for me, before I decide whether I should use your services. How much is two plus two?"
The lawyer pulled the shades, locked the door to his office, and asked in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
I'm Fine
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, August 26, 2008 by Author @ 3:16 PM
Farmer John was injured when a truck hit his pick-up, and he filed a lawsuit against the driver who hit him. When the case went to trial, the truck driver's big city lawyer questioned farmer John."After the accident, did you not say to the sheriff's deputy, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.Farmer John answered, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I did not ask you about your mule," the lawyer interrupted, "I asked you about your statement to the sheriff's deputy. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer John answered, "Like I was saying, I loaded Bessie into the trailer, and I hitched it to my pick-up truck...."
The lawyer angrily turned to the judge. "Your honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the sheriff's deputy on the scene that he was just fine. Now, many months after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. If his case is not a fraud, he should be able to answer my question with a simple 'yes' or 'no.' Please tell him to simply answer the question."
The judge, somewhat curious about the mule, responded, "Let's hear what he has to say. If he doesn't get around to answering your question, we'll deal with it after we find out about Bessie."
Farmer John thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, Bessie was in my trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge truck ran the stop sign and smacked my truck. My pick-up went into the ditch, and the trailer tipped over. I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, and I knew that she was in a bad way, but I was hurtin' real bad and I couldn't even move. Then, the deputy came, and he could hear Bessie, so he went over to her. He looked at her for a moment, then he took out his gun and he shot her right between the eyes. Then the deputy came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked me right in the eyes, and asked, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
The Picture
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, August 25, 2008 by Author @ 3:13 PM
George had responded to a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office."Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
Old Friend
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, August 24, 2008 by Author @ 3:07 PM
A doctor had just bought a villa on the French Riviera, when met an old lawyer friend whom he hadn't seen in years, and they started talking. The lawyer, as it turned out, owned a nearby villa. They discussed how they came to retire to the Riviera."Remember that lousy office complex I bought?" asked the lawyer, "Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It's amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way."
"It sure is," the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, "but I'm confused about one thing - how do you start a flood?"
Lessons in Economics
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, August 23, 2008 by Author @ 3:01 PM
A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!"
His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"
Legal Ethics
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, August 22, 2008 by Author @ 2:49 PM
After drafting a will for an elderly client, the attorney announced a fee of $100.The client gave the attorney a $100 bill.
After the client left, the attorney saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.
Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
Honesty
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, August 21, 2008 by Author @ 2:48 PM
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."
The Ranger
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, August 20, 2008 by Author @ 2:42 PM
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move.
The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced, "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said, "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now."
Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it -- if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"
An Elderly Lawyer
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, August 19, 2008 by Author @ 2:41 PM
An elderly lawyer was about to die. One day he told his wife he had come up with a way to take all of the money he had with him to heaven. He told his wife to put all of his money in the attic so when he died he could grab it on the way up.A couple of weeks after he died his wife was cleaning out the attic and saw that the money bags were still there. "That old fool," she chuckled. "I told him that we should have put the money in the basement!"
Overcoming Your Sins
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, August 18, 2008 by Author @ 2:33 PM
A lawyer stood at the gate to Heaven. St. Peter was patiently explaining that the man's sins were far too many and serious to allow for admission into heaven."Sir, surely you don't deny that you routinely overcharged your clients. That you cheated on your wife with your law clerks and associates -- and that you used your position as a partner to pressure those clerks and associates into becoming involved with you. Surely you don't deny that you deliberately took false positions in court in order to win cases, where any sense of ethics would have caused you to settle. And there's so much more here, why surely...."
The lawyer interrupted, "Yes, yes, I know all of that. But I've done some charity in my life as well."
St. Peter looked in his book and noted,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"
The lawyer looked smug. He replied, "Yes."
St. Peter turned to the angel next to him and said, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
Karate Chopped
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, August 17, 2008 by Author @ 10:55 AM
There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, "That was a karate chop from Korea."The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate chopped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,"That was a karate chop from China."
The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and hes on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!"
Daddy's Hair
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, August 16, 2008 by Author @ 11:13 AM
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother."He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"
Cost Cutting
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, August 15, 2008 by Author @ 11:11 PM
DUE TO THE CURRENT FINANCIAL STATUS OF THE COMPANY. ALL EMPLOYEES ARE ENCOURAGED TO ADOPT THE FOLLOWING COST CUTTING MEASURESLodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Transportation
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations.
If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.
Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.
Fingers Accidentally Shears Off
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, August 14, 2008 by Author @ 11:09 PM
Jon is working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2000. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
First Child Doctor Visit
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 by Author @ 11:08 PM
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
Fire Fido
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, August 12, 2008 by Author @ 8:01 PM
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Unlit Cigar
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, August 11, 2008 by Author @ 8:00 PM
Bill was visiting a friend in the hospital. He had recently quit smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A woman on the elevator said to him with a snarl, "Sir! There's no smoking in here!"'I'm not smoking lady." replied Bill.
"But you have a cigar in your mouth!" the woman said.
"Lady," Bill answered, "I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a horse!"
Sister Margaret
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, August 10, 2008 by Author @ 7:58 PM
Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said"Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath...I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong" .
"Well what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished...we will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking.
"Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up"
"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.
"Saint Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense then call me"
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
"Hello, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!"
Woman almost becomes roadkill
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, August 09, 2008 by Author @ 7:55 PM
A drunk Russian woman had to be pulled out of a newly-laid road after she fell into a concrete mixer and then into a pool of drying asphalt. Elena Pavlovna, 43, had been walking home after a lunchtime session with pals in the town of Kemerovo.She saw her path was blocked by machinery left by workers who were taking a break from resurfacing a road and tried to step over the machinery.
But she slipped and fell into a concrete mixer which had been left on and after a few minutes of being twirled around inside with the concrete mix she was "poured" out onto a pool of asphalt.
As she struggled to get out of the asphalt mix she slipped further into it until only her head was sticking out. She was pulled out by rescue workers who were called by workmen when they came back from their break.
A rescue service spokesman said: "'Despite the fact that only part of her mouth was out in the open she did not shut up and kept on telling us what we should be doing. It was really annoying."
Taken from Here
A Dollar
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, August 08, 2008 by Author @ 7:53 PM
Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to take a crap..."The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff."
The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But, I don't have any toliet paper."
Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself." Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff.
Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him. The second asks, "Damn, what happened? Didn't you use the dollar?"
"Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?"