Pay Phone
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, July 04, 2009 by Author @ 9:32 AM
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!
An Eccentric Philosophy Professor
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, July 03, 2009 by Author @ 9:32 AM
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
Keep The Old Motor Running
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, July 02, 2009 by Author @ 9:57 AM
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!" He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."
Operation
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, July 01, 2009 by Author @ 2:44 AM
While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?"
"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly."
"I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."
Headstone
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, June 30, 2009 by Author @ 2:29 AM
After his wife died, the uncle of one of my friends decided to plan ahead and order a grave-site marker for himself. A week or so later, he came home to find a message on his answering machine. It was from a young woman at the company where he'd placed his order."I don't know if it's good news or bad," she said, "but your headstone is ready."
Wrong Sign
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, June 29, 2009 by Author @ 2:20 AM
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
Blood Test
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, June 28, 2009 by Author @ 2:18 PM
A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. she can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it.The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think i could have a urine test done?"
Thumb Infection
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, June 27, 2009 by Author @ 2:16 PM
A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the customer decides to let it go."Would you like anything else?" the waiter inquires. "We have some very good roast beef today." "Sounds good," says the customer. So the waiter goes off and comes back with a plate of roast beef, and his thumb is in the gravy. The customer is getting pissed now, but decides to hold his tongue.
"How about some hot apple pie?" asks the waiter. "Fine," says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in the pie. Now the customer is really getting furious.
"Coffee?" asks the waiter, and when the customer nods yes, he hurries off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. By now the customer can no longer restrain himself.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? Every time you've come to the table you've had your thumb stuck in my food!" "I've got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place." "Why don't you just stick it up your ass?" "Where do you think I put it when I'm in the kitchen?"
Urine Test
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, June 26, 2009 by Author @ 3:55 AM
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Dog or Wife
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, June 25, 2009 by Author @ 9:45 AM
If your dog is barking at the back doorand your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The Dog of course ....... at least it will shut up after you let him in!
Best Out of Office Auto Replies
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, June 24, 2009 by Author @ 8:19 AM
(try using one of these the next time you are out of office)1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April.
Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten Words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system... You are Currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 13 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons...
When I return, Please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.
9. Due to inappropriate contents in your email, please notice that this email is forwarded to the nearest police station.
10. This message will explode in 5 seconds... Good luck, Mr. Hunt...
11. How many times should I tell you ??? I received your mail already, please stop sending this mail. It is 435 times already !!!
12. Mail server is not responding. The function cause illegal function call at logical memory address bank.
Please restart your computer and try to resend the mail. If the problem persist, please contact your email database administrator.
13. Thank you for sending me an email. Currently I am experiencing high volume email to be answered. Please try to send back later.
14. Wrong address, sorry !
15. This email is rejected due to missing stamps.
Pastor Donkey
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, June 23, 2009 by Author @ 8:24 AM
A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.The local newspaper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back them donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES...HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day....
The moral of the story is.... Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ... and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life..... You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Japanese
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, June 22, 2009 by Author @ 9:39 AM
Mori and ClintonThis is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton...
The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr.Clinton should say, "I am fine, and you?" Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwardswards we, translators, will do the work for you."
It looks quite simple,but the truth is...
When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said
"Who r u?" (instead of "How r u?". )
Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
"Well, I'm Hillay's husband, ha-ha..."
Then Mori replied
"me too, ha-ha..".
Then there was a long silent in the meeting room
Health Questiong & Answer Session
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, June 21, 2009 by Author @ 8:54 AM
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSIONQ: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a ride".
Banks Credit Cards
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, June 20, 2009 by Author @ 10:16 AM
It's all about money for Credit Cards when you die...... This is too funny! It takes all kinds to make the world go round. Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is easy to see happening, customer service being what it is....My Aunt died this past January. Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge... the balance had been $0.00... Now it was somewhere around $60.00. I placed the following phone call to Bank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank:"...excuse me...?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you... the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: ".....(stammer)" ".... Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure."
(Fax number is given)
(After they get the fax.)
Bank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help.."
Me: "Well...if you figure it out,great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose... Don't really think she will care...."
Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Me: "Nilai Memorial Park Cemetery (North South Highway and plot number given.)
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Reincarnation
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, June 19, 2009 by Author @ 9:52 AM
Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to
my family....you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the
back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting on the bed"
Computer Gender!
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, June 18, 2009 by Author @ 4:29 AM
A French teacher was explaining to her class that, in French – unlike in > English – nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender because:
1. No-one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensive to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your wages on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine > because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.
Ass Hole
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, June 17, 2009 by Author @ 3:50 AM
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was In charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions. Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain. Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain. Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it Wants to go. Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going. Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad. To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
*MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE*
Never Insult
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, June 16, 2009 by Author @ 3:48 AM
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA When the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over he question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you ... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese! etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked, "What kind of 'key' was he".
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I?"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
3 Wishes
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, June 15, 2009 by Author @ 3:33 AM
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff" and he Was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff" and he Was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."