10 Commandments of Marriage
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 16, 2012 | No Comments
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
Lessons Learned from Geese
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 15, 2012 | No Comments
When you look to the sky this fall and see the geese migrating South, remember the following:
When you see geese flying in a “V” formation, you might be interested in knowing what scientists have discovered about why they fly that way.
FACT: As each bird flaps its wings it creates an uplift for the bird immediately following. By flying in a “V” formation, the whole flock adds at least 71 percent greater flying range than if each bird flew on its own.
TRUTH: People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they are going quicker and easier because they are traveling on the trust of one another.
2. FACT: Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to go it alone and quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird immediately in front.
TRUTH: There is strength and power and safety in numbers when traveling in the same direction with whom we share a common goal.
3. FACT: When the lead goose gets tired, he rotates back in the wing and another goose flies point.
TRUTH: It pays to take turns doing hard jobs.
4. FACT: The geese honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.
TRUTH: We all need to be remembered with active support and praise.
5. FACT: When a goose gets sick or is wounded and falls out, two geese fall out of formation and follow him down to help and protect him. They stay with him until the crisis resolves, and then they launch out on their own or with another formation to catch up with their group.
TRUTH: We must stand by each other in times of need.
Art Supply
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 14, 2012 | No Comments
I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’ canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”
Me: “Certainly, what width?”
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) “Scissors?”
Lessons from Noah’s Ark
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 13, 2012 | No Comments
Plan ahead… It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
Don’t listen to critics- do what has to be done.
Build on high ground.
For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
Two heads are better than one.
Speed isn’t always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board but… so were the snails.
If you can’t fight or flee—float!!
Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on Earth.
Don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat.
When things get really deep, don’t sit there and complain– shovel!!!
Stay below deck during the storm.
Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
Don’t miss the boat.
No matter how bleak it looks, there’s always a rainbow on the horizon.
The 1950s Home
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 12, 2012 | No Comments
A lot has changed in 50 years…
The following is from a 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls: “How to prepare for married life.”
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON’TS: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
Japanese Women vs Chinese Women
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 11, 2012 | No Comments
1.Japanese women often teach their children to bravely fight the forces of evil, and even if they lose, it is still infinitely glorious, the highest honor.
Chinese women often teach their children that when they encounter the forces of evil they must be good at hiding/running away/avoiding. They say that God will punish them [the forces of evil].
2.Japanese women believe Japan is the world’s greatest country.
Chinese women usually believe that the moon may be rounder abroad ["the grass is greener"].
3.Japanese women usually believe marrying foreigners is a kind of disgrace.
Chinese women usually feel that marrying foreigners is a kind of infinite glory.
4.Japanese women are normally lady-like, but dirty in bed.
Many Chinese women are lady-like in bed, but dirty out of bed.
5.Most Japanese women abide by the rules of a woman, supporting her husband, raising her children, dutifully.
China is the world’s number one country for one-night stands and extramarital affairs.
6.Japanese women are almost all very filial, seeing their mother-in-law as their own mother.
Most Chinese women are all too eager for their mother-in-law to quickly die.
7.Japanese wives treat their husbands with encouragement and concern. Returning home late at night exhausted at the end of a day, the wife will say “you’ve had a tough day.”
Chinese wives treat their husbands with complaints and scolding. Returning home late at night exhausted at the end of a day, the wife will roar “where the hell did you go this time?”
8.Most young Japanese girls will find a man who is around their age to marry, and make a life with him together.
Young Chinese girls always find a wealthy “old” man, and don’t mind even being his Nth mistress/wife.
9.Japanese mothers teach their daughters to look after their husbands, and diligently be filial to her parents-in-law.
Chinese mothers teach their daughters that they must keep firm control of all the man’s assets.
10.Japanese women can tolerate men without money [poor men], but definitely cannot tolerate cowardly and weak men.
Chinese women can tolerate cowardly and weak men, but definitely cannot tolerate men without money.
11.Japanese women see manly men as the most charming men.
Chinese women see manly men as male chauvinists.
12.Most Japanese women are very lenient towards men’s infidelity.
Most Chinese women are very lenient towards their own infidelity.
13.Japanese women almost never say bad things about Japanese men in public or in the media.
Chinese women always loudly curse and mock Chinese men on various media.
14.The first words of Japanese women on their wedding night is: “If I do not look after/service you well tonight, please be forgiving.”
The first words of Chinese women on their wedding night is: “Hurry and see how much money was received today.”
GIFTS FOR MEN
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 10, 2012 | No Comments
Here are some gift ideas for those special men in your life!
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big- screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after- shave or deodorant. I’m told they do not stink – they are earthy.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”
Rule #12: Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” everyone knows why.
Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.
What Their Daddy’s Do
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 9, 2012 | No Comments
A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy’s do.
Little Mary went first,
“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people’s lives”
“That’s wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”
“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane
“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”
“My daddy is dead” says Johnny
“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”
“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”
Pure Wife
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 8, 2012 | No Comments
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a suitable woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks “What’s this?”
She replies “A cock.”
He decides that she is obviously not pure enough.
A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies “A cock”.
He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.
A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won’t go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, “What is this?”
She giggles and says “A pee-pee” He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.
They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says “That’s your pee-pee.” He finally breaks down and says “Look this is not a pee-pee, it’s a cock.”
She laughs and says “No it’s not silly, a cock is 12 inches long and black.”
Republican or Democrat?
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 7, 2012 | No Comments
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a (political party).” “I am,”replied the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a (political party).” “I am,”replied the balloonist. “How did you know?” “Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”
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