Lesbian Patient
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, November 30, 2006 by Author @ 6:41 PM
A woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on.""Could you describe the symptoms to me?" the doctor asks.
"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeds to undress.
When she was down to her underwear she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.
"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."
'The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?" he asked.
Embarrassed and slightly nonplussed at this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"
"Well," the doctor says, "I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."
Seagull
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, November 29, 2006 by Author @ 10:31 PM
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand."Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did Heaven throw him back down?"
Married For 25 Years
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, November 28, 2006 by Author @ 10:50 PM
This guy and this girl have been married for about 25 years and there sex just wasent happening anymore. One day this girl decided to take a trip down town and as she was walking she came across a lingerie shop.So she walked in there a noticed that there were crotchless panties on for sale. She thought to herself " maybe these will spice it up a bit" So she bought a pair and went home. She decided to sit on the couch with nothing but these crotchless panties on and wait for her husband.
She heard the jingling of keys in the door so she spread her legs. Her husband walked in and saw her. She asks him how his day was.
He said "fine" She asks him " so do you want some of this" He replies: "Not if that what it does to your panties."
Wife's Appointment
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, November 27, 2006 by Author @ 10:06 PM
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Seen In The News!
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, November 26, 2006 by Author @ 4:40 PM
It was so cold last night the police stopped 3 youths pushing a mobile home down the street! When questioned by police they claimed to be trying to jump start the furnace!LIGHTS OUT
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, November 25, 2006 by Author @ 9:05 PM
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc.After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
Sheet
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, November 24, 2006 by Author @ 10:39 PM
The cowboy walks into a hotel. The bellboy asks him"How many sheets do you want on your bed?"
The cowboy replies "I reckon I'll take 2."
Next the Indian walks in and the bellboy asks him the same thing. He replies
"I'll take 2."
Last but not least a dumb Mexican boy walks in - the bellboy asks him the same question.... the dumb Mexican boy replies
"If you sheet on my bed I'll kill you."
Condom
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, November 23, 2006 by Author @ 7:08 PM
A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know, so she asked him to drop his pants, which he did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting and like most men, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She then asked him to drop his pants, which he did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-size condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was a teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way cool. He'd never had any type of sexual contact with a female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he quickly did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said ............
................
...........
......
...
..
.
"Cleanup, Register 5, ..... Cleanup, Register 5."
One for you and One for me
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, November 22, 2006 by Author @ 7:12 PM
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all.Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
Great Time Tonight
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, November 21, 2006 by Author @ 8:26 PM
The young man said to his sweetheart,"We're going to have a great time tonight. I have three theater tickets."
The young girl said, "Why do we need three tickets?"
"They're for your father, mother, and kid sister!"
Tai-Chi King
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, November 20, 2006 by Author @ 6:54 PM
In a company there's this tai-chi king. His tai-chi has reached the level where even the boss could do little to ask him to do anything. One day,in a meeting, there was this action item that was supposed to be carried out by the tai-chi king. He, of course tried to tai-chi it away and this time to the production manager. Somehow, the production manager was able to turn the tables back at the tai-chi king and finally tai-chi king had to do it for the first time in the company's history. Everybody was surprised tai-chi king's tai-chi did not work this time. They asked the production manager what his secret was. He said, "I have been a great mee siam lover since young. So, when he tai-chi, me siam."I Was Coming
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, November 19, 2006 by Author @ 9:28 AM
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
Contributed By - anonymous
GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, November 18, 2006 by Author @ 3:33 PM
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM."Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.
On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there
stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."Absolutely,"he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years".
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
Contributed By - anonymous
Who is Daisy
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, November 17, 2006 by Author @ 10:38 PM
A husband and wife were having breakfast. The husband was ensconced behind his morning paper."You had a very restless night, dear," said the wife. "And what's more you kept murmuring a woman's name in your sleep. Now, tell me, who is Daisy?"
"Oh -er," he stammered, "the fact is, my dear, Daisy is the name of a filly I backed yesterday. It won, 10-1, and here's your share."
Handing his wife a five-dollar bill, he hid himself once again behind the newspaper.
That evening, at the dinner table, his wife once again returned to the attack.
"By the way," she said, "you know that horse you backed yesterday? Well, she telephoned this afternoon."
A Little Boy And His Grandfather
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, November 16, 2006 by Author @ 11:11 PM
A little boy and his grandfather are fishing.Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket.
Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says, "I just won $50,000!"
Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself!"
Dentist
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, November 15, 2006 by Author @ 7:10 PM
Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?Dentist : $90.00.
Patient : $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Conversation During Dinner
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, November 14, 2006 by Author @ 8:27 PM
One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation during dinner:WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of
her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit.
Why hurricanes are named for women??
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, November 13, 2006 by Author @ 6:51 PM
Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go............they take your house and car with them.Two Old Ladies
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, November 12, 2006 by Author @ 2:10 PM
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A Condom. This way my cigarette won't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (She is after all, over 80 years of age), but very politely ask what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Tony, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The Pharmacist Fainted.........
Simple Math
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, November 11, 2006 by Author @ 7:26 PM
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read's:Dear Wife (that's what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him) I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!
What a Woman Says
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, November 10, 2006 by Author @ 7:44 PM
What a Woman Says:"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
and if we don't do laundry right now
you'll have no clothes to wear."
What a Man Hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.
LOVE
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, November 09, 2006 by Author @ 10:33 PM
BOY : I can't leave you..GIRL : Do you love me so much??
BOY : It's not that. You're standing on my foot.
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
Donuts
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 12:22 AM
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
What are you doing
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, November 07, 2006 by Author @ 9:57 PM
Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom. "Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.. His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son. "I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father. Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?"Bumpers
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, November 06, 2006 by Author @ 11:12 PM
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes.I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"