Condoms With Spermicide
Funny Joke Posted on | March 6, 2010 | No Comments
A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, “I want one condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find ‘em?”
The pharmacist replied, “Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They’re on aisle 4.”
“No, no, I want me them that condoms with PESTICIDE on it,” growled the farmer.
“Sir,” said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, “PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I’m sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide.”
“Listen here, ” argued the farmer, “I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife’s got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it.”
Funny Signs
Funny Joke Posted on | March 5, 2010 | No Comments
Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blow out.”
Door of a plastic surgeons office:
“Hello, can we pick your nose?”
Billboard on the side of the road:
“Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”
In a non-smoking area:
“If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On maternity room door:
“Push, Push, Push.”
At an optometrists office
“If you don’t see what your looking for you’ve come to the right place.”
On a taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
On a Butchers window:
“Let me meat your needs.”
On a fence:
“Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive.”
At a car dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
Outside a hotel:
“Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
At the electric company:
“We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t you will be.”
On the door of a computer store:
“Out for a quick byte.”
In a restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”
Inside a bowling alley:
“Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”
In a counselors office:
“Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
At a Santa Fe gas station:
“We cannot sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”
In a New York restaurant:
“Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
“Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. –Sisters of Mercy”
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
“38 years on the same spot.”
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
“Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”
In a Florida maternity ward:
“No children allowed.”
In a New York drugstore:
“We dispense with accuracy.”
In the offices of a loan company:
“Ask about our plans for owning your home.”
On a New York convalescent home:
“For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”
On a Maine shop:
“Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”
At a number of military bases:
“Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”
On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards:
“Now available in multi-packs.”
In a funeral parlor:
“Ask about our layaway plan.”
In a clothing store:
“Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”
In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store:
“15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”
On a shopping mall marquee:
“Archery Tournament — Ears pierced”
Outside a country shop:
“We buy junk and sell antiques.”
In the window of an Oregon store:
“Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”
In a Maine restaurant:
“Open 7 days a week and weekends.”
On a radiator repair garage:
“Best place to take a leak.”
In the vestry of a New England church:
“Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
“Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
On a roller coaster:
“Watch your head.”
On the grounds of a public school:
“No trespassing without permission.”
On a Tennessee highway:
“When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
“If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.”
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, “Do not throw stones at this sign.”
What Easter is?
Funny Joke Posted on | March 4, 2010 | No Comments
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before Saint Peter at the gate to heaven. St. Peter said to them, “Before you may enter the gates of heaven you have to tell me what Easter is.”
The first blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where we all have a big feast and we’re thankful.”
St. Peter said, “NO!” and banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where we celebrate Jesus’ birth and give each other presents.”
St. Peter said, “NO!” and banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, “I know what Easter is.”
St. Peter said, “Ok then, tell me.”
She starts, “Easter is Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross where he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a large boulder.”
St. Peter said, “Very good…”
She adds, “Every year the Jews role away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter.”
Pls google “six more weeks of winter” to understand the joke.
Osama Bin Laden
Funny Joke Posted on | March 3, 2010 | No Comments
Osama Bin Laden said: China is the world’s only country we absolutely cannot mess with.
The reason is this: al-Qaeda terrorists had made 8 attacks on the Chinese with the following results:
One person was to explode a bomb in Beijing Xizhimen (the main northwest gate of Beijing) but he lost his way in the three-dimensional traffic bridge;
One person in Shanghai was to take a bus to explode a suicide bomb in the bus, but it was so crowded he could not get into a bus even after two hours;
One person was to bomb a supermarket in Wuhan, but found that the bomb’s remote control was stolen;
One person wanted to bomb government buildings in Chengdu, but was stopped at the door by the security staff and arrested as an East Turkistan separatist, and was beaten and interrogated;
One person succeeded in bombing a Hebei mine, with hundreds of people dead and wounded, and then returned to the al-Qaeda center, but even after 6 months, failed to see any news reports of the success of the bombing. al-Qaeda accused him of claiming a false victory and executed him!
One person tried to bomb Guangzhou, but as he came off the train, a motorcycle robber (flying car robber) snatched his bag (containing the bomb) from him;
One person who arrived in Xi’an lost contact, and was later found at the hospital in a state of coma. Doctors said it was the result of him eating not only “black-hearted” food products, but he also drank fake alcohol, and could possibly turn into a “vegetable” (vegetative state);
Later, bin Laden tried to send a female terrorist to blow up Hainan Island, but she was conned into prostitution!
Finally, bin Laden have to say: Remember, China is the world’s only country we absolutely cannot mess with!
New Technology
Funny Joke Posted on | March 2, 2010 | No Comments
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. “Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.
“So would I,” replied the technician. “It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”
DUMB CRIME STORIES!
Funny Joke Posted on | March 1, 2010 | No Comments
“A guy ordered a pizza to be delivered to his house. When the pizza guy arrived at his house, the resident robbed the pizza guy of all his money and the pizza at knife point. He let the pizza guy go, and was arrested at his house just minutes later.”
“My friend’s grandmother was taking a walk when a big tough guy walked by and ripped off her fake gold chain. As he run away with it she reacted ripping off his chain, which was made of real gold.”
“I read a story about a guy who tried to break into a jewelry shop by throwing a concrete block through the window. Problem was the window was made of unbreakable flexi glass and the concrete block simply bounced off the window and hit the robber in the head, knocking him out cold. He was still out when the police got there and arrested him.”
I like Your Thinking
Funny Joke Posted on | February 28, 2010 | 1 Comment
A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
“None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
“The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking.”
Martini
Funny Joke Posted on | February 27, 2010 | 1 Comment
A lady walks into a bar and says, “Barkeep, gimme a martooni.” The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, “Barkeep, gimme another martooni.”
So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn’t say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, “Would you like another?”
She says, “Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.”
The bartender says, “Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: It’s martini, not martooni.
Number 2: It’s bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: You’re not having heartburn, your boob’s in the ash tray.”
Job Application
Funny Joke Posted on | February 26, 2010 | No Comments
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
That’s it
Funny Joke Posted on | February 25, 2010 | No Comments
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”
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