Interesting Ads and Signs
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 20, 2012 | No Comments
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never regret it.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last
Stock up and save. Limit: one
We build bodies that last a lifetime
See ladies blouses. 50% Off!
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale
And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and Up after.
Disagree?
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 19, 2012 | No Comments
Long, unproductive meetings are often the bane of corporate life. My very funny boss at the software company where I work has come up with what just might be the perfect way to cut business conferences short before they start rambling out of control. There comes a time when he announces, “All those opposed to my plan say, ‘I resign.’” End of meeting.
Warning: Virus
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 18, 2012 | No Comments
There’s a new virus. The code name is “WORK.” If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else — do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks — and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.
I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive — so I’m headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.
Father’s Lesson
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 17, 2012 | No Comments
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, “Can I speak to Alf, please?”
“No! There’s no one called Alf here,” says the person who answered the phone.
His father hangs up. “That’s irritation,” he says.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. “No-there’s no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police,” the person says.
His father hangs up and says, “That’s aggravation.”
“Then what’s frustration?” asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.
“Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?” he asks casually.
10 Commandments of Marriage
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 16, 2012 | No Comments
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
Lessons Learned from Geese
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 15, 2012 | No Comments
When you look to the sky this fall and see the geese migrating South, remember the following:
When you see geese flying in a “V” formation, you might be interested in knowing what scientists have discovered about why they fly that way.
FACT: As each bird flaps its wings it creates an uplift for the bird immediately following. By flying in a “V” formation, the whole flock adds at least 71 percent greater flying range than if each bird flew on its own.
TRUTH: People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they are going quicker and easier because they are traveling on the trust of one another.
2. FACT: Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to go it alone and quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird immediately in front.
TRUTH: There is strength and power and safety in numbers when traveling in the same direction with whom we share a common goal.
3. FACT: When the lead goose gets tired, he rotates back in the wing and another goose flies point.
TRUTH: It pays to take turns doing hard jobs.
4. FACT: The geese honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.
TRUTH: We all need to be remembered with active support and praise.
5. FACT: When a goose gets sick or is wounded and falls out, two geese fall out of formation and follow him down to help and protect him. They stay with him until the crisis resolves, and then they launch out on their own or with another formation to catch up with their group.
TRUTH: We must stand by each other in times of need.
Art Supply
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 14, 2012 | No Comments
I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’ canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”
Me: “Certainly, what width?”
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) “Scissors?”
Lessons from Noah’s Ark
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 13, 2012 | No Comments
Plan ahead… It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
Don’t listen to critics- do what has to be done.
Build on high ground.
For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
Two heads are better than one.
Speed isn’t always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board but… so were the snails.
If you can’t fight or flee—float!!
Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on Earth.
Don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat.
When things get really deep, don’t sit there and complain– shovel!!!
Stay below deck during the storm.
Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
Don’t miss the boat.
No matter how bleak it looks, there’s always a rainbow on the horizon.
The 1950s Home
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 12, 2012 | No Comments
A lot has changed in 50 years…
The following is from a 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls: “How to prepare for married life.”
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON’TS: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
Japanese Women vs Chinese Women
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 11, 2012 | No Comments
1.Japanese women often teach their children to bravely fight the forces of evil, and even if they lose, it is still infinitely glorious, the highest honor.
Chinese women often teach their children that when they encounter the forces of evil they must be good at hiding/running away/avoiding. They say that God will punish them [the forces of evil].
2.Japanese women believe Japan is the world’s greatest country.
Chinese women usually believe that the moon may be rounder abroad ["the grass is greener"].
3.Japanese women usually believe marrying foreigners is a kind of disgrace.
Chinese women usually feel that marrying foreigners is a kind of infinite glory.
4.Japanese women are normally lady-like, but dirty in bed.
Many Chinese women are lady-like in bed, but dirty out of bed.
5.Most Japanese women abide by the rules of a woman, supporting her husband, raising her children, dutifully.
China is the world’s number one country for one-night stands and extramarital affairs.
6.Japanese women are almost all very filial, seeing their mother-in-law as their own mother.
Most Chinese women are all too eager for their mother-in-law to quickly die.
7.Japanese wives treat their husbands with encouragement and concern. Returning home late at night exhausted at the end of a day, the wife will say “you’ve had a tough day.”
Chinese wives treat their husbands with complaints and scolding. Returning home late at night exhausted at the end of a day, the wife will roar “where the hell did you go this time?”
8.Most young Japanese girls will find a man who is around their age to marry, and make a life with him together.
Young Chinese girls always find a wealthy “old” man, and don’t mind even being his Nth mistress/wife.
9.Japanese mothers teach their daughters to look after their husbands, and diligently be filial to her parents-in-law.
Chinese mothers teach their daughters that they must keep firm control of all the man’s assets.
10.Japanese women can tolerate men without money [poor men], but definitely cannot tolerate cowardly and weak men.
Chinese women can tolerate cowardly and weak men, but definitely cannot tolerate men without money.
11.Japanese women see manly men as the most charming men.
Chinese women see manly men as male chauvinists.
12.Most Japanese women are very lenient towards men’s infidelity.
Most Chinese women are very lenient towards their own infidelity.
13.Japanese women almost never say bad things about Japanese men in public or in the media.
Chinese women always loudly curse and mock Chinese men on various media.
14.The first words of Japanese women on their wedding night is: “If I do not look after/service you well tonight, please be forgiving.”
The first words of Chinese women on their wedding night is: “Hurry and see how much money was received today.”
About Joke Diary
This site is dedicated to everybody who likes Funny Jokes.
Make A Donation
Funny Jokes everyday for three months from http://JokeDiary.com via email for just 1 dollar donation.
Search Jokes
Nuffnang
Link Me Up
Chat Box