Going Bald
Funny Joke Posted on | August 25, 2010 | 1 Comment
“You know your going bald when your conversations with your barber keep getting shorter and shorter. I sit down. ‘How about those . . .’ ‘Next.’ ‘What?’ ‘We’re done.’ ‘Well, here’s a tip.’ ‘I can’t. That would be stealing.’”
Two Midgets
Funny Joke Posted on | August 24, 2010 | No Comments
Two midgets vacationing in Las Vegas pick up a couple of hookers and take them back to their hotel room for a little fun.
After a few cocktails and some dancing, the lights go out, but the night doesn’t go as planned.
The first midget not only can’t get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to his buddy grunting…
“One, two, three, HUH! One, two, three, HUH!” over and over.
In the morning his pal asks him, “So how was it last night?”
“I can’t believe how much it sucked,” says the first midget. “I couldn’t get hard all night. I’m so ashamed.”
The second midget answers,
“You think that’s bad? I couldn’t even get up on the bed.”
Which Part
Funny Joke Posted on | August 23, 2010 | No Comments
Teacher: “Where were u born?”
Student: “Singapore, Sir.”
Teacher: “Which part?”
Student: “All of me, Sir.”
Hinges
Funny Joke Posted on | August 22, 2010 | No Comments
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, “How much is that faucet?”
The manager replied, “That’s a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.”
Mary exclaimed, “My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It’s certainly out of my price bracket.”
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. “Ma’am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?” Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, “No, but I will for the faucet.”
12 Things NOT to say to a Cop
Funny Joke Posted on | August 21, 2010 | No Comments
12 Things NOT to say to a Cop
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says, “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”
Holy Land
Funny Joke Posted on | August 20, 2010 | No Comments
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law dies.
They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it’ll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, “We’ll ship her home.”
The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.”
The guy says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
Miss Right
Funny Joke Posted on | August 19, 2010 | No Comments
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
11 More Minute
Funny Joke Posted on | August 18, 2010 | No Comments
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?” The young man says “I’m 22, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”
The Fly
Funny Joke Posted on | August 16, 2010 | No Comments
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh… if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”
There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him.”
There was a bear on the shore thinking “Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches… that fish will jump for the fly… and I will eat him.”
It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. “Gosh” he thought “if that fly goes down three inches… and that fish leaps for it… that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch.”
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking “Gosh… if that fly goes down three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish… the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.”
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time “Gosh… if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish…and that hunter shoots that bear… and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich… then I can have mouse for lunch.”
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water… The fish swallows the fly… The bear grabs the fish… The hunter shoots the bear… The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich… The cat jumps for the mouse… The mouse ducks… The cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is…. Whenever a fly goes down three inches… Some pussy is probably in danger.
Unfair Treatment
Funny Joke Posted on | August 15, 2010 | No Comments
Angel returned from school one day.
Dad: “Hey honey, why are u crying?”
Angel: “Coz Matt and i broke the classroom’s windows while playing and Miss Claire punish us.”
Dad: “Oh, did she hit u?”
Angel: “No”.
Dad: “Is the punishment too harsh?”
Angel: “No. She punish us by asking us to write our names a hundred times.”
Dad: “So why are u crying?”
Angel: “Coz Matt’s full name is just Matt Mike but my full name is Angelina Elizabeth Mcgrady!”
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