Scrubbing Bulkheads
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 29, 2012 | No Comments
I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced:
“Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Dis- continue all unnecessary work.”
An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement:
“Resume all unnecessary work.”
Staff Meeting
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 28, 2012 | No Comments
Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.
Moses calls a staff meeting.
Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.
The General of the Armies: Normally, I’d recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there’s not enough time — the Egyptians are too close.
The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.
Moses: Does anyone have a solution?
Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.
Moses: You! You have a solution?
The PR Man — No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!
Ole and Clarence
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 27, 2012 | No Comments
Ole lived across River from Clarence who he didn’t like at all. They all the time were yelling across the river at each other.
Ole would yell to Clarence, “If I had a vay to cross dis river, I’d come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!”
This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.
Ole’s wife, Lena, says, “Now is you chance, Ole, vhy don’t you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you volud?”
Ole says, “OK, by yimmy I tink I vill do yust dat” Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the bridge an he stops to read it, then he turns around and comes back home.
Lena asked, “vhy did you come back?”
Ole said, “Lena, I tink I change my mind ’bout beatin’ up dat Clarence, you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says “Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in.” You know, he don’t look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river”
Here’s a Plan
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 26, 2012 | No Comments
About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises.” She replied, “Yes, that’s true.” I stated, “I don’t understand” and she replied, without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home.”
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don’t even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don’t look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
P.S. And don’t forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.
Survey
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 25, 2012 | No Comments
A marketing guy was interviewing people on the street had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this. .
Which shaving cream do you use?
The gent answered, Baba’s, and the guy proceeded to answer each of the interviewer’s following questions with the same answer, Baba’s…
Which aftershave do you use?
Which deodorant do you use?
Which toothpaste do you use?
Which shampoo do you use?
Which soap do you use?
Finally, a bit frustrated, the interviewer asked,
“Ok, tell me, What is this ‘Baba’? Is it an international or foreign company?”
The guy replies. . . .
“No, he’s my room-mate!”
Stupid True Headlines
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 24, 2012 | No Comments
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Farmer Bill Dies in House
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
- Stud Tires Out
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Eye Drops off Shelf
- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
- Include your Children When Baking Cookies
- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
- Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
- Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
- Air Head Fired
- Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
- Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Postcard
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 23, 2012 | No Comments
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, “Sir, I’m sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can’t even hold a pen.”
“Certainly, sir,” said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, “Yes, at the end could you just add, ‘PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?’”
Whiskey
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 22, 2012 | No Comments
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. “Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”
Church Social
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 21, 2012 | No Comments
Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person.
“However, if you’re over 65,” he said, “the price will be only $5.50.”
From the back of the congregation, a woman’s voice rang out, “Do you really think I’d give you that information for only fifty cents?”
Interesting Ads and Signs
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 20, 2012 | No Comments
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never regret it.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last
Stock up and save. Limit: one
We build bodies that last a lifetime
See ladies blouses. 50% Off!
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale
And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and Up after.
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