Wife
Funny Joke Posted on | March 15, 2010 | No Comments
Q: What does the word WIFE stand for?
A: Washing, Ironing, Fucking and etc…
Q: What’s the strongest muscle in your wife’s body?
A: Your penis.
Hi-Tech Conversation
Funny Joke Posted on | March 14, 2010 | No Comments
Husband: Hi Dear, I am logged in.
Wife: Would you like to have some snacks?
Husband: Hard disk full.
Wife: Have you brought the stuff which i asked for?
Husband: Bad command or file name.
Wife: But I told you about it in the morning!
Husband: Syntax error, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife: Oh my God! Forget it, where’s your salary?
Husband: File in use, read only. try after some time.
Wife: At least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing violation, access denied.
Wife: I made a mistake in marrying you!
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless!
Husband: By default.
Wife: Who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband: System unstable. Press ctrl, alt, del to reboot.
Wife: What is my value in your life?
Husband: Unknown virus detected.
Wife: Do you love me or your computer?!
Husband: Too many parameters.
Wife: I will go to my dad’s house!
Husband: Program performed illegal operation, it will close.
Wife: I will leave you forever!
Husband: Close all programs and log out for another user.
Wife: It’s worthless talking to you!
Husband: Shut down the computer.
Wife: I am going!!!
Husband: It is now safe to turn off your computer.
What is the definition of Mistress?
Funny Joke Posted on | March 13, 2010 | No Comments
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
Tennis Balls
Funny Joke Posted on | March 12, 2010 | No Comments
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
“What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.
“Oh,” said the girl sympathetically, “that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.”
Slow Down Vs Complete Stop
Funny Joke Posted on | March 11, 2010 | No Comments
A police officer pulled over a red Corvette after it had run a stop sign. “May I see your driver’s license and registration please?”
“What’s the problem, officer?”
“You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.”
“Oh, come on pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me”.
“Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.”
“You gotta be kidding me!”
“It’s no joke, sir”.
“Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.”
“That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and…”
“You’ve sure got a lot of time on your hands. What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?”
“Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!”
“I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.”
“Sir, I can do better than that.” He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
“Now sir,” the officer smiled, “would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?”
The 40 Ways Woman Fail In Bed
Funny Joke Posted on | March 10, 2010 | No Comments
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy’s dick don’t grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don’t use the penis as if it’s a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty,and should be worshiped and held tenderly at all times.The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy’s scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don’t squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before even looking at a guy’s ball bag.
3. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy’s dick don’t just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It’s a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.
4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you’ve come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he’s done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
5. PHONE TURN-Off: Don’t put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: “I’m just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry on in the meantime.” Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.
6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don’t laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like “Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut” or “I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love juice Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you’ve got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don’t close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases – but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
8. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important.Don’t wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out Thieving anything or asking for a phone number.
10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don’t like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men don’t like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. There is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi etc all could still lose a few pounds – so what chance have you got?
13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: “Are you going to come soon.” If you’re doing a blowie, you’d have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you’re giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. Of he’s shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don’t ask him if you’re the best lover he’s ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don’t ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
15. PLAYING DEAD: Don’t just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don’t mind that and we’re blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don’t sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he’s a real man he’s probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don’t shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favours by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like “I love it when you come in my mouth” makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you – especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man’ s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman’s so it is always nice when one’s prowess is appreciated.
20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man’s warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask :”Do you think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?” there is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain – prostitution.
21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you’re lucky, your man might imagine he’s bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder erection.
22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen, HE doesn’t. Be considerate, please.
23. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you’ve got a half-decent ass but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammalia with something silky.
24. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so please don’t insist on seeing what’s going on. If he’s got a bit of a beer belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he’s shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche.
25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1) Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging him to remember your name after he’s shagged you. If he thought it was important to remember your name, he would have.
26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don’t be angry if you’re lover shouts out another woman’s name during the sexual act. Men have much more complicated lives than women and deal with many more people at work, football club, gym, pub, etc. It’s probably just a close associate and totally innocent. Of course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time and it is understandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.
27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don’t get him all turned on and the let his proud stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square centimetre of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to 45-minute delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he’s shot his load and has started to snore.
28. TOOTH ACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken literally. I know it’s hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little nibble now and again.
29. YOU CAN’T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 minutes at least.
30. TWO DIMENSIONAL: It’s not enough to be a specialist – even in the important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man’s anal region.
31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during those special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because he was drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or video camera.
32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the pink clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can have too much of a good thing.
33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don’t spoil everybody’s fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.
34. PERIOD PAIN (1) : It’s natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing to but please do not a) pretend your period has finished or b) that it hasn’t even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls he shagged before he met you.
35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just because you’re on the blob, it doesn’t mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don’t put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this special time together to work on your oral and massage techniques.
36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he’s got a stiffy, you’ve got to deal with it and take things through to their natural conclusion.
37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep while on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.
38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.
39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don’t make a fuss about sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of coitus he would have given us a snatch.
40. TV SINNER: The only TV programs suitable for accompanying good sex are hardcore porn (especially involving yourself) or a football match. No gardening or knitting programs to be watched.
Two Managers
Funny Joke Posted on | March 9, 2010 | No Comments
Two managers are going over their budget for the next year. After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane. They go back and forth but can’t decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that they lay off the first person who gets up form their desk.
In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water. One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.
Manager: “Jane, I need to talk to you. I’ve got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off…”
Jane: “Well, jack-off. I’ve got a headache.”
woman 30 years younger
Funny Joke Posted on | March 8, 2010 | No Comments
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
Hands Off the Melons
Funny Joke Posted on | March 7, 2010 | No Comments
A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.
After some thought, he made a sign that read, “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE!”
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read, “NOW THERE ARE TWO!”
Condoms With Spermicide
Funny Joke Posted on | March 6, 2010 | No Comments
A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, “I want one condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find ‘em?”
The pharmacist replied, “Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They’re on aisle 4.”
“No, no, I want me them that condoms with PESTICIDE on it,” growled the farmer.
“Sir,” said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, “PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I’m sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide.”
“Listen here, ” argued the farmer, “I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife’s got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it.”