Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

The Birth Order

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 21, 2012 | No Comments

Your Clothes:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

GRANDCHILDREN: …God’s reward for allowing your children to live.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

GRANDCHILDREN: …God’s reward for allowing your children to live.

Flustered

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 20, 2012 | No Comments

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”

Memorable Thoughts

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 19, 2012 | No Comments

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. –George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea … Visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. –Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. –Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. –Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. –Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. –Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. — Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. –Alex Levine

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. –Mark Twain

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. –Spike Milligan

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. –Henny Youngman

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’ –Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. –Herbert Henry Asquith

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. –Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink … and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her. –W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. –George Burns

The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good … spit it out. –Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. –Billy Crystal

What if…

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 18, 2012 | No Comments

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.”

So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”

Selling Vacuum Cleaners

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 17, 2012 | No Comments

A little old woman answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.”Good morning,” said the young man.

“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

“Go away!” said the old woman. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

“Don’t be too hasty!” he said.

“Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

In addition, with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old woman stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

Changing Times

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 16, 2012 | No Comments

A big mouth college student challenged a senior citizen saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his world. “You grew up in a different world,” the student said.

“Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers, the internet…”

Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the senior said,
“You’re right sonny . We didn’t have those things when we were young… so we invented them!”

Funny Epitaphs

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 15, 2012 | No Comments

Tombstones are not generally thought of as fonts of light entertainment. But as The New York Times showed, some epitaphs are funnier than others.

— He was a simple man who died of complications

— He came into the world without my consent and left in the same manner

— Stranger, tread this ground with gravity Dentist Brown is filling his cavity

Old Sayings…Different Twist

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 14, 2012 | No Comments

See if you can translate the following into the familiar sayings we’ve all heard? See answers below.

1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.

2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.

3. Surveillance should precede salutations

4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely cutaneous profundity

5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.

6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore.

8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion.

10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 212 F’.

11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.

Answers:

1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

2. Birds of a feather, flock together.

3. Think before you speak.

4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

5. Don’t cry over spilled milk.

6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

7. The pen is mightier than the sword.

8. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.

10. A watched pot doesn’t boil.

11. All that glitters is not gold.

12. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

New Drugs on the Market

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 13, 2012 | No Comments

St. Mom’s Wort – Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen – Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo – Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol – When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor – Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics – When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Free What?

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 12, 2012 | No Comments

I ran into an old buddy the other day. He was a rising entrepreneur, but now he looked down and out. What gives? He begins wailing his tale.

“I had a restaurant out there on the interstate, you know. Spent a fortune on a new high-rise sign to attract traffic. It did, too. It read ‘free cocktail with dinner!’ The ‘cocktail’ was flashing red neon. Was it impressive!”

“Sounds like a good idea. So what went wrong?”

“Oh, the county took notice, inspection crews come out, I’m harassed all the time by the Planning department, the churches in the neighborhood have filed compaints-”

“Hey, I thought you ran a stand-up operation out there.”

“I did. Half my flashing red neon burned out!”

“Oh, I see…” I thought a minute. “Which half?”

“Don’t make no difference!” he wailed.

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