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Blonde on the Sun

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 31, 2012 | No Comments

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”

The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”

The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun. You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”

Bats in the Belfry

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 30, 2012 | No Comments

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said, “Since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away.”

Another said, “Me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”

The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven’t seen one back since.”

How Government Works

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 29, 2012 | No Comments

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,” so they laid off the night watchman.

What is Kitty?

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 28, 2012 | No Comments

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”

“How did you know that?” his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

Kangaroo Fence

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 27, 2012 | No Comments

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”

The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”

Dog Who Played Baseball

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 26, 2012 | No Comments

During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.

“That’s incredible!” he exclaimed to the man next to him.

“Yes,” he said, “but he’s a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer.”

The Redhead

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 25, 2012 | No Comments

A young Redhead goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible”, says the doctor. “Show me.”

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”

“No, ” she says, ” I’m actually a Blonde.”

“I thought so, the doctor says. “Your finger is broken.”

Who Is The Most Obedient?

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 24, 2012 | No Comments

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked.

“Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”

House Cleaning

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 23, 2012 | No Comments

I don’t see what the fuss is about house cleaning. Seems easy enough to me.

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it “Housework.”

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?”

6. Answer calmly, “Yes,” and press the mouse button firmly…..

7. Feel better?

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 22, 2012 | No Comments

Kids Answers to those important questions

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. –Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they Grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. –Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. –Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You Got to be a fool to get married. –Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. –Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids. –Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. –Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. –Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. –Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich. –Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. –Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. –Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out. –Theodore, age 8

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. –Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? –Kelvin, age 8

“And the #1 Favorite is……..” HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. –Ricky, age 10

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