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Enough

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 21, 2012 | No Comments

After having their 11th child, a Brakpan couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children…

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy but that it was expensive. (For people staying in Brakpan, paying more than R50 for anything other than booze, car accessories or a sound system, is expensive).

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Brakpan), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10! The man said : “Aag, yinne, I maait not be de cleverest oke in the wurlt, but I dussin see how putting a cherrie borm in a beer can, next to my ear, is going to help me. ”

“Trust me, ” said the doctor…

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: ” Wun, twooo, freee, forrr, faaaiife, ” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand…

Repair Estimate

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 20, 2012 | No Comments

When my printer’s type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

Cheap Mistress

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 19, 2012 | No Comments

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn’t find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, “Great, so now you’re cheating on me with a bald woman!”

The next night, when she didn’t smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, “She’s not only bald, but she’s too cheap to buy any perfume!”

Military Cargo Plane

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 18, 2012 | No Comments

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!”

They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!”

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically. They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”

Magic of the Internet

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 17, 2012 | No Comments

My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access Google, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy’s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, “It’s true, Mom.

“Think of something to ask it.” As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy’s mother thought a minute, then responded, “How is Aunt Helen feeling?”

Dallas Rental Car

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 16, 2012 | No Comments

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1 hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said “I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”

Tech-Support Logic

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 15, 2012 | No Comments

One of the company’s finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”

Cow On The Tracks

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 14, 2012 | No Comments

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

“What’s going on?” she yells out the window.

“Cow on the track!” replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?”

Unlucky Parachutist

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 13, 2012 | No Comments

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.

“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.

Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I’m a goner!”

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from, or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m done for.”

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”

The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

New Son-In-Law

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 12, 2012 | No Comments

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

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