Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

New to Baseball

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 29, 2012 | No Comments

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. “So, how did you do son?” he asked.

“You’ll never believe it!” Billy said. “I was responsible for the winning run!”

“Really? How’d you do that?”

“I dropped the ball.”

Political Support

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 28, 2012 | No Comments

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. “I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!”

The crowd went wild, shouting “Hoya! Hoya!”

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. “I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!”

“Hoya! Hoya!” cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

“I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!”

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting, “Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!”

After the speech, the Politician was touring the reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

“Sure,” the Chief said, “but be careful not to step in the hoya.”

How To Know You’re Ready For Parenthood

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 27, 2012 | No Comments

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child’s discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you’ll have all the answers

Ponder These

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 26, 2012 | No Comments

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message “oneslice”? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” When, it isn’t all right.

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they’re okay, then it’s you.

Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 25, 2012 | No Comments

Wow, I just don’t know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don’t you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.

Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.

Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it’s one thing I hate it’s skinny women.

What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.

You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn’t seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.

What a break, I won a prize on the radio station…. tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!

Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it’s freshly mowed.

Shoot, there’s nothing on TV but football games. Let’s go furniture shopping.

Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.

I’m getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?

You know, I think I’d really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.

Golly I think we’re lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.

My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don’t you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.

If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I’m busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.

Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.

If you’re looking for me later, I’ll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.

You know, we really don’t visit your relatives enough.

Why don’t you relax this weekend. I’ll take care of the cooking and housework.

Haircut Request

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 24, 2012 | No Comments

When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.

“Make it short,” the customer replied, “with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear.”

The barber looked puzzled and said, “I don’t think I can do that.”

The customer replied, “I don’t know why not–that’s the way you cut it the last time I was here!”

Concert

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 23, 2012 | No Comments

My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend, Joannie are fans of 60’s music. They recently got front- row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town.

When they returned home from the concert that night, I wanted to hear all the details of the concert. My daughter says, “Mom, during the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!”

Truthful Sayings?

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 22, 2012 | No Comments

Wisdom from Grandpa…

– Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

– Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin’ his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

– Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

– When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

– If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

– On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past – but never the present.

– A foolish husband says to his wife, “Honey, you stick to the washin’, ironin’, cookin’, and scrubbin’. No wife of mine is gonna work.”

– The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

– Many girls like to marry a military man – he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he’s already used to taking orders.

– Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

– The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

– Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

– How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

– When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra.

– I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

– One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

– Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

– Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.

– If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Juvenile Delinquency

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 21, 2012 | No Comments

A policeman brought four boys before a judge.

“They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor,” he said.

“Boys,” said the judge sternly, “I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.

Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong.”

“My name is George,” said the first boy, “and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen.”

“My name is Pete,” said the second boy, “and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen.”

“My name is Mike,” said the third boy, “and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen.”

“My name is Peanuts,” said the fourth boy.

Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 20, 2012 | No Comments

It doesn’t take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.

Dogs cannot lie.

Dogs never resist nap time.

You don’t need to get extra phone lines for a dog.

Dogs don’t pester you about getting a kid.

Dogs don’t care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.

Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.

Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.

Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42

Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000

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