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Two Lions

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 31, 2012 | No Comments

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o’clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”

Canine Complex

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 30, 2012 | No Comments

A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.

“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said. “I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”

“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly. “Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”

“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”

BUG WORKAROUNDS

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 29, 2012 | No Comments

If you can afford it, try installing Mistress 1.0 on an entirely different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0.

Another possible solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via an ISP under an anonymous name.

BUG WARNING

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 28, 2012 | No Comments

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.0 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete all MSMoney files and take all your cache before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0. will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

Software Conflict: Wife 1.0 Upgrade

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 27, 2012 | No Comments

Last year, after hearing how great it was for so long, a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 3.0 to Wife 1.0. He has found Wife 1.0 to be a resource hog, leaving him very little free space for other applications. Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Subroutines, which further consumes valuable system resources. His system performance and resources seem to diminish with each passing day. At first, he thought Wife 1.0 might be infected with a virus, but other users have assured him that Wife 1.0 is behaving normally and this behavior should be expected due to the nature of the application.

My friend also discovered that Wife 1.0 installed itself in such a way that it can monitor all other system activity. He now finds that some programs such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 5.1 and PubNight 7.0 cannot run at all. If he attempts to launch them, Wife 1.0 complains about a sharing violation and crashes. He finds this behavior strange since he could run these programs just fine before he upgraded.

At installation, he found Wife 1.0 provides no option to bypass the installation of undesired add-ons such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.

Some features he would like to see introduced in the upcoming Wife 2.0 release:

* A “Don’t Remind Me Again” button.
* A Minimize button.
* An Install Shield that allows Wife 2.0 to be uninstalled at anytime without the loss of cache or other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode.

I have decided to forego all the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking to Girlfriend 3.0. However, even that option has many problems. Apparently, you cannot install one version of Girlfriend before you completely uninstall the old version first. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend doesn’t work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. If the newer version finds a reference to the old version, Girlfriend will completely freeze until you reboot and remove the stray reference. I am told this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.

Also, versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. Another thing that stinks — all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

Deserted Island

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 26, 2012 | No Comments

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.

The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the new chemistry floating around, is very glad to see the second man there.

“This is wonderful! Now we’ll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts.”

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: “Hey, no screwing!”

They look at each other and yell back: “We’re not screwing!”

A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: “Heeey, no screwing!”

Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above:
“Hey, I said no screwing!!”

They yell back, “And we said we’re not screwing!!”

Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself:
“Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.

Bad Landing

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 25, 2012 | No Comments

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.”

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?”

“Why no Ma’am, what is it?”

“Did we land or were we shot down?”

Anger versus Exasperation

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 24, 2012 | No Comments

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

Housecleaning

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 23, 2012 | No Comments

I don’t do windows because … I love birds and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don’t wax floors because … I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I’ll feel terrible and they may sue me.

I don’t mind the dust bunnies because .. They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don’t disturb cobwebs because … I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don’t Spring Clean because .. I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous.

I don’t pull weeds in the garden because … I don’t want to get in God’s way, he is an excellent designer.

I don’t put things away because .. My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because … I don’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don’t iron because … I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press”.

I don’t stress much on anything because … “A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol’ woman!!!!

Emergency Call

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 22, 2012 | No Comments

Dad’s pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him–lights flashing.

Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call.

Within seconds, came the police officer’s hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.

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