Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Fined

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 20, 2012 | No Comments

Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.

“They should not put up such misleading notices,” said Joe.

“It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE.”

Mom’s Time Out

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 19, 2012 | No Comments

My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.

“Would you like to go out, girl?” he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, “Oh, yes, I’d love to!”

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn’t until the end of it that Dad confessed.

His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom’s feet on the kitchen floor.

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 18, 2012 | No Comments

– Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

– Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.

– Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!

– Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

– Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

– Hand me that…uh…that…uh…..thingie.

– Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

– Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

– Darn, there go the lights again…

– You know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of them.

– Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

– Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.

– What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change…!

– Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

– This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

– Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?

– Don’t worry; I think it’s sharp enough.

– What do you mean “You want a divorce”!

– She’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

– FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

Maiden Name

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 17, 2012 | No Comments

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license.

“Will there be any change of address?” the clerk inquired.

“No,” I replied.

“Oh, good,” she said, clearly delighted. “You got the house.”

Shows up

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 16, 2012 | No Comments

A state trooper notices a car weaving in the road, and when he pulls it over a beautiful woman gets out. She is clearly under the influence, but just to make sure he gives her the breathalyzer test. Sure enough, she’s over the limit, so the trooper says, “Madam, you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”

The boring speaker

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 15, 2012 | No Comments

The after-dinner speaker just didn’t have a Stop button. He burbled on and on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience. Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him. It missed, and hit the Chairman instead.

As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard to murmur, “Hit me again, I can still hear him.”

Ways To Stay Stressed

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 14, 2012 | No Comments

Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You’ll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

NEVER EXERCISE. Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.

EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. Hey, if cigarette smoke can’t cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn’t likely to.

GAIN WEIGHT. Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.

TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS. The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.

GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM. Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.

PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM. Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don’t take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!

MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE – BE MACHO. Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!

BECOME A WORKAHOLIC. Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.

DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.

PROCRASTINATE. Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.

WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN’T CONTROL. Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.

BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS……and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don’t meet them.

THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn’t be treated as one.

Rare Birds

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 13, 2012 | No Comments

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”

Man: “Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened.”

Judge: “Proceed.”

Man: “I got lost in the woods. I hadn’t had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.”

Judge: “The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.”

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: “Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn’t intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don’t mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?”

Man: “Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.”

Computer Power

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 12, 2012 | No Comments

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

“My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”

“It was terrible,” her husband said, “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”

Obvious Relationship

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 11, 2012 | No Comments

Science has a language of its own which sometimes puzzles laymen. The word “obvious” is a case in point.

A professor of physics, deriving some profound point of theory for the class, scribbled an equation on the board and said, “From this, it is obvious that we can proceed to write the following relationship…” and he scribbled a second and equally long equation on the board.

Then he paused. He stared hard at the two equations and said, “Wait a minute, I may be wrong…”

He sat down and began to write at his desk furiously, crossing out and rewriting for five minutes while the class sat in absolute silence waiting for the verdict.

Finally, the professor rose with an air of satisfaction and said, “Yes, I was right in the first place. It *IS* obvious that the second equation follows from the first.”

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