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Jury Selection

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 19, 2012 | No Comments

The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O’Brian was called for his question session.

“Property holder?”

“Yes, I am, Your Honor.”

“Married or single?”

“Married for twenty years, Your Honor.”

“Formed or expressed an opinion?”

“Not in twenty years, Your Honor.”

Church Etiquette

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 18, 2012 | No Comments

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

Broken Engagement

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 17, 2012 | No Comments

Dear Marty,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren’t really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.

I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can’t learn everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely, Your future father-in-law.

P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery!

Buying Fabric

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 16, 2012 | No Comments

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.

Final Wishes

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 15, 2012 | No Comments

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, “When you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy says, “I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I’d like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I’d like to hear them say……LOOK, HE’S MOVING!!!!”

The Good Ol’ Days

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 14, 2012 | No Comments

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular…

“When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I’d get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o’ bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans… all for a dollar!!

Then Grandpa said sadly …”You can’t DO that any more…they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look……”

Worm Experiment

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 13, 2012 | 1 Comment

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol – Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation – What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
“As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

Devil Shopping

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 12, 2012 | No Comments

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. “How could you do this!” he exclaimed.

“I don’t know,” she wailed, “I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'”

“Well,” the pastor persisted, “You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, “Get behind me, Satan!”

“I did,” replied his wife, “but then he said “It looks great from back here, too!”

The Vision…

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 11, 2012 | No Comments

“Psychics” are big on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast, just north of the state capital, Brisbane. Other Australians regard the area as the Deep North, the antipodean equivalent of the USAs Deep South.

A local radio station carried an evening program in which a “psychic” appeared regularly. The usual flummery – calls from listeners (usually younger women) wanting forecasts of their love-lives, jobs, happiness etc., followed by confident replies from the “psychic” together with supportive clucking noises from the credulous anchor entity. Then the “psychic” made a classic blooper:

Caller: “Will I meet someone?”

Psychic: “Yes of course you will, darling. I see you dancing – you dance so well! – and meeting that man and dancing through life together, you know what I mean?”

Caller: “But I’m confined to a wheelchair…”

Take the Bus

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 10, 2012 | No Comments

When my brother was about 20 years old and going to college in Portland, Oregon, he used to call our parents in Long Beach, California every time he needed money. He also use to take a bus every chance he would get to come home for the week ends, with the support of our parents.

One night he called from Porland and ask our mother if they would send him some extra money to fly home, since he was getting tired of the buses. When our father heard this he yelled from across the room, “Tell him to stick a feather up his butt and fly home!”

My brother said, “What did Dad say?”

Our mother answered, “He said, you’ll have to take the bus home, dear.”

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