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Funny Ads

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 29, 2012 | No Comments

These are advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country (or so we are led to believe)

– We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

– For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

– Great Dames for sale.

– Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

– Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

– Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

– Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

– If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Shark

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 28, 2012 | No Comments

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, “Oh God! Save me!”

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can’t lie the man replies, “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”

The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, “Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive…”

Patient Will Live

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 27, 2012 | No Comments

On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient’s condition. “This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly.” The doctor then began listing orders:

“You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.

“Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.

“Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well.”

The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient’s room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient. The nurse started, “The doctor said that you will live.” Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, “But you will have to learn a new sport.”

Remote Control

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 26, 2012 | No Comments

The clerk asked me, “Cash, check or charge?” after ringing up my purchase.

As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” she asked.

“No,” I replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!”

Dumb

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 25, 2012 | No Comments

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells “There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth.”

The second professor says “No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot.”

The first professor says “Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don’t know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I’m there then tell me to come home and eat dinner.”

The son says, gleefully, “Sure dad” and runs off.

The second professor not to be outdone says “Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave.”

Sam says “OK.” and leaves. The professors keep arguing.

Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, “Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I’ve ever heard it.”

Sam says “Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn’t tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave.”

What is Pi?

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 24, 2012 | No Comments

Several scientists were all posed the following question: “What is pi ?”

The engineer said: “It is approximately 3 and 1/7”

The physicist said: “It is 3.14159”

The mathematician thought a bit, and replied “It is equal to pi”.

A nutritionist: “Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!”

Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 23, 2012 | No Comments

– Home is where you hang your @

– The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

– A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

– You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

– Great groups from little icons grow.

– Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

– C: is the root of all directories.

– Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.

– Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

– The modem is the message.

– Too many clicks spoil the browse.

– The geek shall inherit the earth.

– A chat has nine lives.

– Don’t byte off more than you can view.

– Fax is stranger than fiction.

– What boots up must come down.

– Windows will never cease.

– In Gates we trust.

– Virtual reality is its own reward.

– Modulation in all things.

– A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

– Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

– There’s no place like http://www.home.com

– Know what to expect before you connect.

– Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.

– Speed thrills.

Our Crazy Language

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 22, 2012 | No Comments

An oldie, but favorite…

Did you know that “verb” is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can’t spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren’t two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you’ve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn’t this also mean that you would have to “member” somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?

What is another word for “thesaurus”?

Where do swear words come from?

Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word “irregardless”?

Why do some people type “cool” as “kewl?”

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say something’s out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?

Why don’t we say “why” instead of “how come”?

Why is “crazy man” an insult, while to insert a comma and say “Crazy, man!” is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Hospital Sign

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 21, 2012 | No Comments

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses’ mess saying:

“Remember, the first five minutes of a human being’s life are the most dangerous.”

Underneath, a nurse had written:

“The last five are pretty risky, too.”

A River…

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 20, 2012 | No Comments

In Washington State, a little north of Seattle, is a river called the Stillaguamish, but it wasn’t always called that. It was originally named “Aguamish” after a local Indian tribe.

When Lewis & Clark finally made their way to the west coast they came to the Aguamish tribe and met the chief who told them what the name of the river was and gave them a tour of the area.

Years later Merriweather Lewis returned and met the Aguamish chief again and the subject finally came around to the river:

“Chief, I’ve been told that, because of so many white men have arrived in the area, many of the rivers are being renamed because they couldn’t pronounce the names. Tell me, what is the name of your river now, please, ” Lewis pleaded.

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