Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Child Birth

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 31, 2012 | No Comments

After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife.

It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, “I’ve got the head now; just a few more minutes.”

“Is it a girl or boy?” I asked excitedly.

The doctor replied, “I don’t know. It’s hard to tell by the ears.”

And The Fairy Said….

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 30, 2012 | No Comments

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. “Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: “Fairies are female.”

Scrubbing Bulkheads

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 29, 2012 | No Comments

I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced:

“Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Dis- continue all unnecessary work.”

An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement:

“Resume all unnecessary work.”

Staff Meeting

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 28, 2012 | No Comments

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.

Moses calls a staff meeting.

Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.

The General of the Armies: Normally, I’d recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there’s not enough time — the Egyptians are too close.

The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.

Moses: Does anyone have a solution?

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.

Moses: You! You have a solution?

The PR Man — No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!

Ole and Clarence

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 27, 2012 | No Comments

Ole lived across River from Clarence who he didn’t like at all. They all the time were yelling across the river at each other.

Ole would yell to Clarence, “If I had a vay to cross dis river, I’d come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!”

This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole’s wife, Lena, says, “Now is you chance, Ole, vhy don’t you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you volud?”

Ole says, “OK, by yimmy I tink I vill do yust dat” Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the bridge an he stops to read it, then he turns around and comes back home.

Lena asked, “vhy did you come back?”

Ole said, “Lena, I tink I change my mind ’bout beatin’ up dat Clarence, you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says “Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in.” You know, he don’t look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river”

Here’s a Plan

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 26, 2012 | No Comments

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises.” She replied, “Yes, that’s true.” I stated, “I don’t understand” and she replied, without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home.”

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don’t even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don’t look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don’t forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

Survey

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 25, 2012 | No Comments

A marketing guy was interviewing people on the street had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this. .

Which shaving cream do you use?

The gent answered, Baba’s, and the guy proceeded to answer each of the interviewer’s following questions with the same answer, Baba’s…

Which aftershave do you use?

Which deodorant do you use?

Which toothpaste do you use?

Which shampoo do you use?

Which soap do you use?

Finally, a bit frustrated, the interviewer asked,

“Ok, tell me, What is this ‘Baba’? Is it an international or foreign company?”

The guy replies. . . .

“No, he’s my room-mate!”

Stupid True Headlines

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 24, 2012 | No Comments

– Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

– Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

– Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

– Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

– Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

– Farmer Bill Dies in House

– Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

– Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

– Stud Tires Out

– Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

– Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

– Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

– British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

– Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

– Eye Drops off Shelf

– Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

– Include your Children When Baking Cookies

– Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

– Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

– Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe

– Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

– Miners Refuse to Work after Death

– Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

– Stolen Painting Found by Tree

– Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

– Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

– Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

– Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

– Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

– War Dims Hope for Peace

– If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

– Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

– Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

– Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

– Deer Kill 17,000

– Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

– Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

– New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

– Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

– Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

– Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

– Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

– British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

– Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

– Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

– Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

– New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

– Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

– Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

– Air Head Fired

– Steals Clock, Faces Time

– Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

– Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

– Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

– Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

– Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

– Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Postcard

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 23, 2012 | No Comments

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, “Sir, I’m sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can’t even hold a pen.”

“Certainly, sir,” said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”

The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, “Yes, at the end could you just add, ‘PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'”

Whiskey

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 22, 2012 | No Comments

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. “Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

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