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Drunk at Confessional

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 31, 2011 | No Comments

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

“I dunno.” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”

Blonde’s Jigsaw Puzzle

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 30, 2011 | No Comments

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, “Here’s to 51 days!” and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to “line ’em up”, and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, “I don’t get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?”

One of the blondes explains, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box ‘2-4 years,’ but we finished it in 51 days!”

The Redneck and the Chainsaw

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 29, 2011 | No Comments

A red neck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, “This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down one tree and it took all the gosh-darned day!”

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the red neck asks, “What’s that noise?

Neighbors in Montana

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 28, 2011 | No Comments

A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana.

After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse.

“Hold it neighbor” the man says, ” I’m your neighbor, I have a ranch only six miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I’m throwing for you next Saturday. There’s going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting…. We’ll have a great time”.

Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask’s ” How should I dress?”

” Aw, don’t matter” replied the neighbor, ” Only gonna be the two of us”.

Toothbrush Sales

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 27, 2011 | 1 Comment

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.

Little Mary led off, “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “my sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.”

“Very good, Sally,” said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes?” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said, “This tastes like MUD!” Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

Wisdom of Age

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 26, 2011 | No Comments

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. ” I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”

School Visit

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 25, 2011 | No Comments

After delivering a speech at an elementary school, the president lets the kids ask a few questions. One little boy, Joe raises his hand and asks, “How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the United Nations?”

Just as the president begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they’ll continue afterward. 25 minutes later the kids come back to class.

“Where were we?” says the president. “Oh, yes… do you kids have any questions?”

Another boy raises his hand and says, “I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Second, why did the recess bell go off 30 minutes early? And third, where is my buddy Joe?”

The Workout

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 24, 2011 | No Comments

The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I’ve devised the following:

Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper.

Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head.

Bend over backwards
Jump on the band wagon
Run around in circles.

Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire

Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge.

Pick up the pieces.

Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them.

What a Workout!

Rest At Last.

Doctor Visit

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 23, 2011 | No Comments

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this without a needing a magnifying glass, come back and see me.”

0ops…

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 22, 2011 | No Comments

In my husband’s work for a cable-television company, he encounters illegal hookups that drive up costs for other customers. One day he arrived at a repair job just as the homeowner was pulling into the driveway. She pointed the way to the den, where the tv was located, and then walked out to get the mail.

As my husband approached the tv, he saw a note taped to the screen. It read: “Don’t forget to hide the descramblers before the cable guy comes. Love, Tom.”

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