Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Things to Ponder

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 20, 2011 | 1 Comment

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead?”

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists — most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration…

The Sponge

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 19, 2011 | No Comments

In the doctors office two patients are talking.

“You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in me by mistake.”

“A sponge!” exclaims the other. “Does it hurt much?”

“No…no pain at all,” says the first, “but…boy, do I get thirsty!”

Skydiving

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 18, 2011 | No Comments

Barbara was taking her first skydiving lesson. The instructor told her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord, explaining that he himself would jump out right behind her so that they would go down together. Barbara understood and was ready.

Just before it was time for Barbara to jump out of the plane, the instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her. She jumped, and, after being in the air for a few seconds, pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed her out of the plane.

He pulled his rip cord but the parachute didn’t open. As he struggled to pull the emergency rip cord, he shot downward and darted past Barbara. Seeing this, Barbara quickly undid the straps to her own parachute, and yelled after him, “So you wanna race, huh?!”

Drawing

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 17, 2011 | 1 Comment

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,

“They will in a minute.”

Some Really Good Questions

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 16, 2011 | No Comments

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?’

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message “one slice?” How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don’t succeed, then don’t take up sky diving!

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they’re okay, then it’s you.

The Conch Light

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 15, 2011 | No Comments

In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light in a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale it was the first thing she put out.

I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out then finally bought it. “That will look great in your home,” I said. “Oh it is not for me,” she explained. “My bridge club is having a charity auction and we were asked to bring in the most hideous thing we can find. What I’ve got here is a winner.”

What Movies Have Taught Us

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 14, 2011 | No Comments

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.

5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.

6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.

8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.

10) The entire British population lives in London.

11) It doesn’t matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

Real Smart

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 13, 2011 | No Comments

This one happened few years ago in Switzerland: A man went to a photo shop, had pictures taken, and – while the photographer developed the pictures – he took off with the cash register.

Leaving behind, of course, the pictures of himself.

Circle Flies

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 12, 2011 | No Comments

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn’t know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible.

He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?”

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, “Well, yes, if that’s what they are. I’ve never heard of circle flies.”

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. “Circle flies are common on farms. They’re called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse.”

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says, “Hey, are you trying to call me a horse’s behind?”

“Oh no, officer.” The farmer replies. “I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that.”

“That’s a good thing,” the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

Office Manager

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 11, 2011 | No Comments

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . “

« go backkeep looking »

    About Joke Diary

    This site is dedicated to everybody who likes Funny Jokes.

    Make A Donation

    If you liked my work and effort then please consider to
    Funny Jokes everyday for three months from http://JokeDiary.com via email for just 1 dollar donation.

    Search Jokes

    Nuffnang

    Link Me Up

    Chat Box

    Joke of the Day feed

    Join us @ Twitter

    Others

    Online Users

    Locations of visitors to this page

    Admin