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The Miracle Toddler Diet

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 21, 2011 | No Comments

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don’t get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there’s the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Eat a half tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Memory Course

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 20, 2011 | No Comments

Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful and introduces them to a technique called word/name association. They come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.

Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

“Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?”

“Well, it was…hmmm…let me think a minute… What’s the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems…?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yeah, that’s it…(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor’s name?”

Freezer Meals

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 19, 2011 | No Comments

I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, “Meatloaf” or “Pot Roast” or “Steak and Vegetables or “Chicken and Dumplings” or “Beef Pot Pie.”

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you’ll see a whole new set of labels. You’ll find dinners with neat little tags that say: “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” “I Don’t Care,” “Something Good,” or “Food.” My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

Barber and Kid

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 18, 2011 | No Comments

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

Signs You’ve had too much of the 21st Century

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 17, 2011 | No Comments

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they’re ready to go to lunch.

5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the U.S., but you haven’t spoken to your next-door-neighbor yet this year.

6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have an e-mail address.

7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

8. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person.

9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

10. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally dial “9” to get an outside line.

11. You now think of three espressos as “getting wasted.”

12. You call your son’s beeper to let him know it’s time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?”

13. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

14. You didn’t give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

15. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your College roommate used to play.

16. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

17. You checked your blow-dryer to see if it was Y2K compliant.

18. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

19. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

20. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

21. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

22. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

23. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

24. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

25. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

26. You’re reading this.

27. Even worse; you’re going to forward it to someone else.

What I don’t do…

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 16, 2011 | No Comments

1. I don’t do windows because … I love birds and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

2. I don’t wax floors because … I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves. I’ll feel terrible and they may sue me.

3. I don’t mind the dust bunnies because …. they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

4. I don’t disturb cobwebs because . I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves spiders.

5. I don’t Spring Clean because … I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous.

6. I don’t plant a garden because … I don’t want to get in God’s way. He is an excellent designer.

7. I don’t put things away because … my husband will never be able to find them again.

8. I don’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because … I don’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

9. I don’t iron because … I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press”.

10. I don’t stress much on anything because …

“A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol’ woman!!!!

In The Army

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 15, 2011 | No Comments

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joined the army.

“But, wait a minute,” said the listener, “She’ll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won’t she?”

“Sure,” replied the man.

“Well, won’t they find out?”

“And who’s gonna tell?”

The Bachelor’s Diet

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 14, 2011 | No Comments

Monday

Breakfast – Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth. Lunch – Send your secretary out for six “gutbombers” – those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox. Afternoon Snack – Drink the Maalox. Dinner – Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don’t eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday

Breakfast – Eat the coleslaw. Lunch – Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea. Dinner – Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho’s.

Wednesday

Breakfast – Stomach couldn’t handle breakfast after a night at El Flasho’s. Lunch – Rolaids and a coke. Dinner – Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps.

Thursday Breakfast – Order out for pizza. Lunch – Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers. Dinner – Go to a bar. Ask the bartender for extra olives.

Friday

Breakfast – Eggs, sausage and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it’s better for you. Lunch – Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder. Dinner – Steak, medium-rare, baked potato and asparagus. Don’t eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday

Breakfast – Sleep through it. Lunch – Ditto. Dinner – Steak, well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don’t eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

Sunday

Breakfast – Three Bloody Mary’s and a Twinkie. Lunch – Eat Lunch? And waste a good buzz? Dinner – Chicken noodle soup. Call home and ask about renting your old room.

Flight Museum

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 13, 2011 | No Comments

At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels.

A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft’s capabilities to each visitor who gets in.

When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, “Gramma, could I have a quarter?”

Mother Reclassification

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 12, 2011 | No Comments

A woman renewing her driver’s license at the County Clerk’s office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

“What I mean is,” explained the recorder, “do you have a job, or are you just a …..?”

“Of course I have a job,” snapped Emily. “I’m a mother.”

“We don’t list ‘mother’ as an occupation…’housewife’ covers it,” said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high – sounding title like “Official Interrogator” or “Town Registrar.”

“What is your occupation?” she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out.

“I’m a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.”

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

“Might I ask,” said the clerk with new interest, “just what you do in your field?”

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, “I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn’t) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I’m working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of- the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.”

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk’s voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants – ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model (6 months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.

I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than “just another mother.”

Motherhood…what a glorious career. Especially when there’s a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers “Senior Research Associates in the Field of Child Development and Human Relations”, and great – grandmothers “Executive Senior Research Associates”? I think so!

I also think it makes aunts “Associate Research Assistants!”

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