Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Best Friends?

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 31, 2011 | No Comments

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend’s illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. “Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?”

Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.” Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”

“Yes, I do Patty,” Shawn strained. “And, you’ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?” said Pat.

“Yes Patty, I do,” whispered Shawn.

“It’s a very “old” bottle now, you know,” urged Pat. “And what are you gettin’ at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.

“Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

Random Thoughts from a Woman

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 30, 2011 | 1 Comment

1) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

2) Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

3) One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.

4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.

7) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

9) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

11) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, “You know sometimes I just forget to eat,” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.

14) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “Listen witch … do it and die.”

15) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

17) I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

18) If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Church Cake!

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 29, 2011 | No Comments

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this — especially all the ladies who bake for church events

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies’ group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend’s home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

“Thank you, I baked it myself.”

AAADD

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 28, 2011 | No Comments

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers…

Now I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember

what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

-the car isn’t washed,

-the bills aren’t paid,

-there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

-the flowers don’t have enough water,

-there is still only one check in my check book,

-I can’t find the remote,

-I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, –your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC

Magician

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 27, 2011 | 1 Comment

“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

“He’s a magician, Ma’am” said the new boy.

“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”

“He saws people in half.”

“Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“One half brother and two half sisters.”

Insignificant Thoughts

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 26, 2011 | No Comments

Sometimes I feel so inept. Like when there’s a baseball player who’s worth $250 million, and I can’t remember his or her name.

Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.

It’s better to be poor than to be rich. The rich always have to fear becoming poor, but the poor never have to fear becoming rich.

Nothing is impossible if you don’t have to do it yourself.

How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?

Could it be that the people who have nothing to say are the ones we should listen to?

You never get tired if you rest a lot in advance.

Real courage is a willingness to attack raw oysters in public.

It’s hard to relate to this high-tech world when your kid says her Lego Toys need more memory.

Every day in every way, I was getting worse and worse until I stopped trying to be myself.

Isn’t it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid?

I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.

To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?

Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle.

My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can’t think.

You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher.

If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.

The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Nude Roller Derby. Maybe we need Sumo Hockey.

There’s just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.

One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

I read the newspaper every day just to see if there’s anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.

Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?

Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn’t the city fill in a few potholes?

Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?

I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they’re holding out for a remote that turns the pages.

Famous People Resume Qualifications

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 25, 2011 | No Comments

Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I’d like to get away from all that.

Jesse James: I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I’d like to think of myself as a people person.

Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.

Hamlet: My postilion was eliminated in a hostile takeover.

Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.

Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.

Macbeth: Would I go after my boss’s job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?

Lady Godiva: What do you mean this isn’t business casual?

Elvis: My last boss and I…say, are you going to eat those fries?

House Shopping

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 24, 2011 | No Comments

My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (4) and Hannah (2) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, “Daddy, what are we doing?”

My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.

Sarah asked “Are you gonna buy a new house?”

Dad replied “Maybe.”

Then Sarah said with much concern, “But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!”

Who’s On First? For the Next Generation.

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 23, 2011 | 2 Comments

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That’s what I want to know.

Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.

George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow’s name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Con di: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?

Condi: I’m telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That’s the man’s name.

George: That’s who’s name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he’s dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That’s correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don’t want Kofi?

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China!!!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone!!!

Funny Punny Names

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 22, 2011 | 1 Comment

Some Like it Sweet: Sugar Kane
Oh What A Relief It Is: Al Kaseltzer
New Mexico Tour Book: Albie Kerky
I Was A Son Of A Buccaneer: Rich Kidd
The Palace Roof has a Hole: Lee King
Lawn Care: Ray King
Exercise on Wheels: Cy Kling
I Hate the Sun: Gladys Knight
Teach Me!: I. Wanda Know
Better Mental Health: Cy Kosis
Breaking the Law: Kermit A. Krime
NHL Hockey: Stanley Kupp
Those Funny Dogs: Joe Kur
I Like Weeding Gardens: Manuel Labour
How to Overcome Stress: R.E. Lachs
Care For A Chop?: Marsha Larts
Fallen Underwear: Lucy Lastic
Military Rule: Marshall Law
Cut the Grass!: Moses Lawn
Manana: Stew Layt
To be Honest: Frank Lee
The Lady Pirate: Peg Legg
Pain in My Body: Otis Leghurts
The Phillipine Post Office: Imelda Letter
Theft Among Arthropods: The Lieutenants
Not a Guitar!: Amanda Lin
Holmes Does It Again: Scott Linyard
Bring to the Grocer’s: R. List
Classic Groceries: Chopin Liszt
The Effects of Alcohol: Sir Osis of Liver
Employment Handbook: Ernie Living
How to Break In: Jimmy De Lock

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