Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Felix the Cat

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 20, 2011 | No Comments

My aunt’s neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, named Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night.

One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain for several days. The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he’s been out sowing his wild oats.

Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt’s friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the street. “A black cat?” the woman said. “Oh, yes! My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter.”

Parenthood

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 19, 2011 | No Comments

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

And finally:

If you have a lot of tension and get a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle: Take two aspiring and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN!

Baby Power

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 18, 2011 | No Comments

Hello, my name is Quinn, and I’m nine months old. This is powerful advice for all you babies out there. Parents, please leave now, or you will be punished. Okay, now that the minions are gone, let’s get down to business.

Do you feel like you have no control over your life? Do your mommy and daddy make you do and wear things you absolutely hate? Are you at the bottom of your family’s power structure? I’m here to tell you that all this can be a thing of the past. By following my ten simple rules, you’ll be wearing the diaper and the pants in the family in no time!

Rule #1

You have absolute power.

Repeat this to yourself on a daily basis. You are the ruler of your universe. Your parents are there to serve you, not the other way around. You have unlimited power over them.

Rule #2

Cry.

Tears are your biggest asset in your arsenal against your parents. If you don’t like something, cry! Parents have absolutely no defense against this wet onslaught. They will do anything to get you to stop. This is especially useful in public places. For maximum effectiveness, increase volume every fifteen seconds.

Rule #3

Be cute.

This is your number one defense mechanism. You’re going to pull a lot of crap most people would never get away with, and your cute factor is the only thing allowing this. Flash a smile, and your parents will go weak in the knees with gushing admiration of your blessed existence, even after you’ve just broken half the stuff in the house.

Rule #4

Keep them weak.

I don’t care if you have to set an alarm clock for yourself, but you need to wake your parents up at least three times a night. A rested parent is a strong parent, and that means bad news for you. The more weary they are, the more malleable to your intricate plans of global domination.

Rule #5

Pee on them.

Once out of every ten diaper changes, you should let loose your golden stream of glory. This shows them who’s boss, and keeps them on their toes. If you can, aim for the face for maximum effectiveness. At the very least, you should be able to cover yourself as well as a portion of your parent’s clothes. This works well for those situations where they’ve put you in an embarrassing outfit, or they’re in a hurry to get somewhere

Rule #6

Make them carry you.

Do not let them put you down! This is very important. The moment they realize you can get around by yourself, they will no longer want to carry you. If you are put on the ground, see rule #2. Your parents are strong, and there’s two of them. They can carry you forever.

Rule #7

Smack them around a little.

Parents are under the false impression that we have very little control over our arms and legs. Use this to your advantage! Every now and then, just randomly slap them in the face, and then smile and laugh. They may curse a little, but I guarantee no harm will come to you. They are powerless against the smile and laugh combination.

Rule #8

Women and grandparents love babies.

Capturing this key demographic can bring you joys beyond your wildest expectations. Toys, food, and attention can all be yours when you manipulate this segment of the population. Gramps will even let you watch the Spice channel if nobody else is around!

Rule #9

Siblings exist for your amusement.

Your brothers and sisters are the court jesters in your vast kingdom. They are there for your personal entertainment, and nothing more. Laugh at their crazy antics, but the moment they get out of line with that “the baby gets all the attention” crap, pull their hair. One word of warning though. Make sure a parent is nearby when you do this, as siblings are immune to your cute defense mechanisms. Be sure to cry, so your parent is alerted to your mortal danger.

Rule #10

No private time.

This is perhaps the most important rule of them all. Do not let your parents have private time! If you hear these evil words uttered, alarms should go off in your head. Nothing good can come from private time. At the very least, private time rejuvenates them, making them more resistant to your powers. And in the worst possible scenario, private time could lead to a new baby replacing you as the ruler of the house! This event needs to be stopped at all costs!

That’s it, troops. Follow these simple rules and you should have a long and fruitful reign as ruler of your household.

You have the power!

SMOKEY THE BLOND

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 17, 2011 | No Comments

One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, “Hey Sarge, why did you stop?”

The Sarge replied, “You stupid rookie! That guy’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.”

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 16, 2011 | No Comments

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.
Dogs don’t criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they’re jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you – except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they’re lost.
Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

New Pair of Glasses

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 15, 2011 | No Comments

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, “But you just got a new pair last month!”

“Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident,” stammered the private.

“Accident, what kind of an accident?” The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, “Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?”

“No, no nothing of those…” said the private.

“Well then, what is it?”

“I’d rather not tell you sir…”

“Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses,” said the medical officer, ready to stand up, “I’ve to see my patients now.”

“No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl,” blurted the private.

“Don’t be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?”

“You see, she crossed her legs…..”

New Drivers License

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 14, 2011 | No Comments

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” said the beaming boy to the ol’ man.

“Nope,” came dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”

New Stewardess

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 13, 2011 | No Comments

The jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.

“This is Capt Johnson. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.”

He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot,

“Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?

Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

“Well,” says the skipper, “first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I’m gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and fuck her all night.”

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

She’s so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, “No need to run, dear, he’s gotta take a shit first!”

THE GIFT OF LIFE

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 12, 2011 | No Comments

On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, “Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years.”

The cow objected, “What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I’ll give back to you.” So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, “What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I’ll give a life span of 20 years.”

The dog objected, “What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!” So God agreed.

On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, “Monkeys have to entertain people. You’ve got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I’ll give you 20 years life span.”

The monkey objected. “What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I’ll give you back.” So God agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, “Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I’ll give you a 20 year life span.”

The man objected. “What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man!….Why don’t we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, and the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?” So God agreed.

AND THAT’S WHY….
In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people!

Speech Impediment

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 11, 2011 | No Comments

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other:

“If I ask you a question, would you promise to answer me honestly?”

“Yeah, sure thing,” replied his friend, “fire away.”

“Well,” said the first guy, “why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?”

“It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied the second guy.

“What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired the first fellow. “My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!”

“Well,” replied his friend, “you must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!”

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