Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Wisdom of Love

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 30, 2011 | No Comments

If you love somebody,
Set her free…
If she comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, she never was….

Pessimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free …
Don’t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t comes back within some time forget her.

Patient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait until she comes back …

Playful: If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, and repeat

C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free…
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:
If you love somebody,
Set her free…
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that…

Bill Gates :
If you love somebody,
Set her free…
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free…
She’ll evolve.

Statistician:
If you love somebody,
Set her free…
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn’t, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger’s Fan:
If you love somebody,
Set her free…
SHE’LL BE BACK!

Over Possessive:
If you love somebody don’t set her free.

Secret to Success?

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 29, 2011 | No Comments

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, “How has everything been going with you?”

“Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I’m as rich as Bill Gates.”

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, “Chapter Eleven.”

Psychic Hotline

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 28, 2011 | No Comments

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, ”You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog says, ”This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”

”No,” says the psychic. ”Next semester in her biology class.”

Special Pig

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 27, 2011 | 1 Comment

A man is walking along an old country road and stops when he sees a farmer in an apple orchard. He gets a little closer and sees the farmer throwing apples down to a three legged pig.

The man came closer and asked the farmer ”Wow, thats some pig ya got there. Why does he have only three legs?”

The farmer answered ”Well, This pig saved me and my wife from a terrible fire. A lantern in our barn fell over and ignited the hay in the loft. The pig ran out from the barn, got into the house and woke me and my wife just in time.”

The man looked at the farmer and said ”Well, thats a real special pig, but you never told me how he lost his leg.”

The farmer answered ”Well, as I said this is a real special pig and with a pig this special, you can’t eat it all at once!”

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 26, 2011 | No Comments

An old man was laying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies.

He loved chocolate chip cookies more than anything else in the world.

With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, and to the stairs. Then down the stairs and into the kitchen.

There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. As he reached for one, he got SMACKED across the back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was holding.

“Leave them alone!” she said, “They’re for the funeral!”

Find Jesus?

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 25, 2011 | 1 Comment

A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yess, Preacher..I sure am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.

“Nooo, I haven’t!” said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

“Noooo, I have not Reverend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher…

“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

Sermon

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 24, 2011 | No Comments

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning that was about half the usual length of his sermons.

He explained, “I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning.”

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said,

“Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!”

Marriage Promise

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 23, 2011 | 1 Comment

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids….”

The Things That Drive A Sane Person Mad

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 22, 2011 | 1 Comment

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

There’s a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you’re standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

The radio station doesn’t tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can’t find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Murphy’s Real Laws

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 21, 2011 | 1 Comment

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

6.I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8. Seen it all, done it all. Can’t remember most of it.

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

10. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11. He’s not dead. He’s electroencephalographically challenged.

12. She’s always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the “Juneflower.”

13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

16. Pardon my driving, I’m reloading.

17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

20. Just remember if it wasn’t for gravity, we’d all fall off.

21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

23. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.

28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

32. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

33.I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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