Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Oops!

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 21, 2011 | No Comments

The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

“What’s the matter? I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.” her mother said.

“It’s too late!” the little girl said. “I’ve already prayed for rain.”

THE FBI’S MOZZARELLA FELLA SPELL

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 20, 2011 | No Comments

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I’d like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent?

Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You’ll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: We’ve collected a pool of cash.
Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: Yes.
Pizza Man: With guns?

Agent: That’s right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: No f-in’ way.
*Click*

Men’s Department at Bloomingdale

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 19, 2011 | No Comments

A man was shopping in the men’s department at Bloomingdale’s when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.

He went up to her and said, “Good morning, madam.”

She smiled pleasantly and asked “And what would you like?”

The man said, “I’d like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I’d like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly . . . . What I *need* is a new tie!”

What would you do?

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 18, 2011 | 1 Comment

What would you do?

I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do.

The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.

Let’s say that you’re a photographer and getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.

You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.

You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

So, here’s the question and think carefully before you answer the question below:

Which lens would you use?

The Young Swedish

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 17, 2011 | No Comments

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple for over a year. While pleasant and hardworking, the girl still struggled with the English language.

One day she informed the Lady of the House, that her boyfriend in the Army was coming for a visit.

“That’s wonderful. How long is his furlough?” asked the lady.

“Oh… about the same as your husband’s, but a little bit thicker.” the au pair replied.

Four Strangers

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 16, 2011 | No Comments

Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.

One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”

Actual Letters To Various Councils And Housing Associations

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 15, 2011 | No Comments

Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. .. and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

9. ..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

10. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no Satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. … and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.

24. … that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

Dead Donkey

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 14, 2011 | No Comments

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.”
“Well then, just give me my money back.”
“Cain’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
“OK then, just unload the donkey.”
“What ya gonna do with em.”
“I’m gonna raffle him off.”
“Ya cain’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
“Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anyone he’s dead.”
A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, “What happened with the dead donkey?”
“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00.”
“Didn’t no one complain?”
“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back.”

IDIOTS

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 13, 2011 | No Comments

IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by Cars and he didn’t want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”
To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?”
He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,” our manager commented cheerfully, “this is fun!. We should do this more often.” Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open!” To which he replied, “I know – I already got that side.”

Porsche Speedster Convertible

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 12, 2011 | No Comments

“I had entered a contest at a local radio station to win a Porsche speedster convertible and I got to be one of the top ten finalists. The party was at the local zoo and since I was babysitting my little buddy, Carson, I took him along thinking that he would have some fun. All of the finalists had to pick keys out of a box and the person with the key that turned over the engine won. I was third to go and the the first guy that got in the car won it. Carson turned to me and said, “Oh too bad you didn’t win because now you have to keep driving your jeep that leaks oil all over my parents driveway.”
Everyone heard him and were in hysterics.”

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