Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Tagging Birds

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 31, 2011 | No Comments

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:

Wash. Biol. Surv.

Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

“Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.”

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

A Letter to My Dogs

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 30, 2011 | 1 Comment

Dear Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Sincerely,
Your Overwhelmed Owner

Strange

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 29, 2011 | No Comments

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.”

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:

“That’s Strange!”

A Noise…

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 28, 2011 | No Comments

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

“That’ll teach them!” I replied.

The Nurse

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 27, 2011 | No Comments

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn’t believe it:

The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!

“MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!”

“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they’re through using it!”

OB-GYN Visit

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 26, 2011 | No Comments

For all those who tend to be humiliated at the OB-GYN office… In Melbourne, FL one of the radio stations paid money ($100-500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner:

She said:

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office. I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 am.

I had just packed everyone off to school and it was 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I’m sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in “that area” in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car, and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure as I’m sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.

I was a little surprised when he said “My…we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” but I didn’t respond.

The appointment was over. I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal…some shopping, cleaning, and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening, my 14-year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance when she called down from the bathroom,

“Mom – where’s my washcloth?”

I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back

“No! I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it!!!!

Hemorrhoids

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 25, 2011 | No Comments

Suffering from a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay fellow goes to see his doctor. After his examination the physician prescribes suppositories twice a day.

When it comes time to use the first suppository the young man is concerned he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom, bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target.

All of a sudden, his penis start to stiffen, blocking his view.

“Oh, stop it,” the young man scolds his organ, “it’s only me.”

Her Side VS His Side

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 24, 2011 | No Comments

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn’t really sure.

So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don’t know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.

31 Days

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 23, 2011 | No Comments

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

“What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a whole 31 days.”

The bartender thought about this for a while. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender.

“Yeah, except today is the last night,” he muttered.

A Taxi Driver and a Priest Die…

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 22, 2011 | No Comments

He waits for a long time and finally goes to St. Peter and asks: “Why could that taxi driver go to the highest level of heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?”

St. Peter replies: “When you were speaking to the people at your church, everybody was sleeping. But when that taxi driver was driving, everybody prayed!”

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