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An Alabama Couple

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 20, 2011 | No Comments

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me,” said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

“1, 2, 3, 4, 5,” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia, Mississippi and West Virginia.

You Wanna Wank

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 19, 2011 | No Comments

A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging Jeff’s shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso.

Jeff was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.

“You wanna wank?”, she asked.

“You bet,” came the excited reply.

“O.K.,” she said, “I come back in ten minutes.”

BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 18, 2011 | No Comments

1. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
2. People call at 9 P.M. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
3. You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM.
4. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
5. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
6. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
7. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
10. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
11. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

THE STRONGEST MAN

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 17, 2011 | No Comments

Ted walks into a bar and shouts out, “Who’s the strongest person in here?”

The toughest guy looks at him and says, “I am the strongest person around these parts!”

Ted politely asks, “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”

A Newlywed Couple

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 16, 2011 | No Comments

A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when the husband says, “Honey, now that we’re married, it’s okay for me to see your body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?”

She opens her robe and lets her husband see her naked body.

And he says, “You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the camera and take a picture?”

“Why do you want to do that?” she asks.

“Because I love you so so so much, and I’d like to keep your picture next to my heart forever!”

She allows him to get the camera and take the picture. Then she says, “Honey, now that we’re married, it’s okay for me to see your body too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?”

He opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body.

And she asks, “Can I get the camera and take a picture?”

“Why do you want to do that?” he asks her.

“Because I want to get it enlarged!”

Drill

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 15, 2011 | No Comments

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his wife,

“Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore.”

She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him,

“OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I’m having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes.”

Plane Crew

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 14, 2011 | No Comments

A woman is flying on a jumbo-jet to Europe. After they get up in the air the loudspeaker comes on:

“This is your captain Emilia Rodrigues.We are cruising at 35,000 feet .. etc. etc.”

When the announcement is finished a woman passenger beckons to a stewardess and asks, “Is it really true that this great big airplane is being flown by a woman?”

“Yes, says the stewardess, Captain Rodrigues is a woman.”

“How wonderful! I am so excited! Do you think you can arrange for me to go up to the cockpit to congratulate her?”

Yes, I think I can arrange that. You might also like to know that the co-pilot is also a woman.”

“Oh, how exciting. This is wonderful news! Please let me go to the cockpit so I can congratulate them both!” !

“OK, you can do that. You might like to know that actually the entire crew of this plane are women.”

That is the most exciting thing I have heard in a long time, this has really made my day I just have to go to the cockpit to express my admiration!”

“One more thing you might like to know … we don’t call it the “cockpit” any more.”

Having a Wank

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 13, 2011 | No Comments

Little Johnny is in the bath having a wank when his mother walks in.

“What the hell do you think you are doing”! she says,

To which he replies, “Mum, it’s mine and I’ll wash it as fast as I like”.

One Arm Mother

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 12, 2011 | No Comments

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.

“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.

“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”

“No sir, our mother.”

“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have penises!”

“I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”

Not a Quitter

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 11, 2011 | No Comments

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application.

The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”

“Yes” says the man.

“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”

“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application. “At least I’m not a quitter.”

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