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Balls Has Turned Blue

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 30, 2011 | 1 Comment

“I think I have a problem, Doc,” says a patient. “One of my balls has turned blue.”

The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn’t have his testicle removed.

“Are you crazy?!” bursts the patient. “How could I let you do such a thing to me!”

“You want to die?” asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. “Doc, I don’t know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too.”

Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very resistant to the idea.

“Hey, you want to die?” asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.

After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, “I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue.”

After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.

“You want to die?” asks the doctor.

“But…how do I pee?”

“We’ll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem.”

So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor’s office again.

He is very angry.

“Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!”

“What?”

“Can you tell me what the hell is happening??”

The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,

“Hmmm, I don’t know. Could it be the jeans?”

Enough Time On The Computer

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 29, 2011 | No Comments

1.A friend calls and says, “How are you? Your phones have been busy for a year!”

2.You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3.You see something funny and scream, “LOL, LOL.”

4.You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU’VE GOT MAIL.

5.You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6.You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

7.You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.

8.Tech support calls YOU for help.

9.You beg your friends to get an account so you can “hang out.”

10.You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11.You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12.You say “he he he he” or “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.

13.You say “SCROLL UP” when someone asks what it was you said.

14.You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.

15.You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

16.You look at an annoying person off-line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

17.You start to experience “withdrawal” after not being online for a while.

18.”Where did the time go?”

19.You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.

20.You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21……You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….

My Dog

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 28, 2011 | No Comments

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. Once a year for his check-up,
And again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this, he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs,
But he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head…

My dog is a POLITICIAN!

Rectum Deodorant

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 27, 2011 | 1 Comment

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don’t sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

“I’m sorry”, says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”

“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

“Do you have the container it comes in?” asks the pharmacist

“YES!”, said the blonde, “I’ll go home and get it.”

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

“This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,

“TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.”

THE CAT’S ME-OW!

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 26, 2011 | No Comments

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. “Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.”

“You know where the button is.” I protested through the shower
(pitter-patter). “Reset it yourself!”

“I am scared!” She pleaded. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?”
(Pause) “C’mon, it’ll only take a second.”

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn’t a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?” If they had only known.

A Pure Wife

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 25, 2011 | No Comments

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a suitable woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks “What’s this?”

She replies “A cock.”

He decides that she is obviously not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.

She replies “A cock”.

He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won’t go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, “What is this?”

She giggles and says “A pee-pee” He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says “That’s your pee-pee.” He finally breaks down and says “Look this is not a pee-pee, it’s a cock.”

She laughs and says “No it’s not silly, a cock is 12 inches long and black.”

Bagels With Cream Cheese

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 24, 2011 | No Comments

A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem.”

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.

“Gee, mommy,” the boy exclaimed. “For me?”

“Just take two,” his mother replied. “The rest are for your father.”

Anesthesia

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 23, 2011 | No Comments

A husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”

Flattered, she continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, “You’re cute.”

“What happened to ‘beautiful’?” she asked him.

“The drugs are wearing off” he replied

ENGINE TROUBLE

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 22, 2011 | 1 Comment

Fifteen minutes into flight, the pilot announced: “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”

Thirty minutes later the pilot announced: “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry, we can fly just fine on two engines.” An hour later the pilot announced: “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry, we still have one engine left.”

The blonde in seat 17A turned to the man next to her and said, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”

Third Wish

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 21, 2011 | No Comments

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

“And what will your third wish be?”

The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?”

“You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.”

“Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads.”

“Funny,” said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, “That was your first wish, too!”

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