Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Women are Nothing But Trouble

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 22, 2011 | No Comments

These two guys had both just got divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked “What’s that board for?”

The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

They said, “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life! Women are nothing but trouble.”

The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.

“Okay,” they said and left.

The following year this guy came into the trader’s store and said

“Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”

The trader said “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”

“Yeah” said the guy.

“Where is he?” asked the trader.

“I shot him.” said the guy.

“Why?”

“I caught him in bed with my board!”

Report Cards

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 20, 2011 | No Comments

Actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When tour daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t here.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is gone.

Idiot Sightings

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 19, 2011 | No Comments

One of my friend once had his photos taken at a local photoshop. the next day he went to pick them up but the person at the desk refused to give him his photos without the purchase slip and the photos themselves were not enough to convince him that it was actually the right person wanting his photos back.

I had been Christmas shopping. It was past 9 PM, most of the stores had closed and I was tired and hungry. I came across one of the better-known fast food chain restaurants which was still open, but was about to close in 15 minutes. I hurried in and saw, to my dismay, that while the counter and dining room areas were still lit, the entire kitchen area was dark and very empty. I asked the counter girl if I could still get something to eat. She answered that although she couldn’t cook me anything, they did have some hamburgers in the warmer. I ordered two hamburgers, plain. The girl grabbed her microphone and said to nobody, “Two Hamburgers, please, plain.” Then she walked around to the dark and empty kitchen, took two hamburgers out of the warmer, walked back to the counter and served them to me. R.

Here’s one that happened to me a few years ago. I went to a clothing store and bought a skirt for $7. With tax my total came to $7.51; I handed the cashier $8.01 and she had to take out a calculator to figure out how much change she had to give me back. I told her she owed me 50 cents.

Two Old-Maid Sisters

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 18, 2011 | No Comments

There were 2 old-maid sisters… both virgins. One Friday night Gladys looks at Betty and says, “I’m not going to die a virgin… I’m going out and I’m not coming home ’til I’ve been laid!!”

Betty says, “Well, make sure you’re home by 10 so I don’t worry about you.”

10 o’clock rolls around and there’s no sign of Gladys… 11 o’clock…12 o’clock…

Finally about 1:30AM the front door flies open. In runs Gladys… straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, “Are you okay, Gladys??”

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

“What is it, Gladys??? What’s wrong?” asks Betty.

“Oh Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in… and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you’re gonna have the time of your life!!!”

Off The Cliff

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 17, 2011 | No Comments

Two men are standing at the top of a cliff. One has two budgies, one on each shoulder. The other has a parrot and a shotgun.

The first guy jumps off the cliff and on the way down the birds fly away. He crashes on the rocks below and rolls over on his back. He looks up just in time to see his friend jump off too.

As the second guy falls the & parrot flies off, he pulls up his shot gun and shoots the bird just before he too crashes onto the rocks.

They lie there groaning in agony for a bit before the first guy says, “I really don’t see what is supposed to be so great about budgie jumping!”

The second guy lets out a groan and says, “I’m really not too impressed with free-fall parrot shooting either!”

Dear Dr. Laura

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 16, 2011 | No Comments

For those of you who may not be aware of the recent controversy in North America that has to do with Laura Schlessinger: she is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show.

Paramount Television Group is currently producing a “Dr. Laura” television show. Recently she has become a convert to Judaism, and now she is Ba’al T’shuvah. Recently, she has made some statements about homosexuals that has caused the Canadian anti-hate laws to censure her.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the internet…

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific biblical laws and how to best follow them. Specifically:

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some flexibility here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14).

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Anita Heiss

Confess

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 15, 2011 | No Comments

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”

The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”

The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”

The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”

The Priest said “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”

A Little Black Boy

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 14, 2011 | No Comments

A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his momma is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He looks at his momma and says, “Look, momma, I’m a white boy!”

His momma slaps him in the face and says, “Go sho your daddy what y’all did!”

He walks downstairs to his daddy in the living room and says, “Look daddy, I’m a white boy!”

His daddy also slaps him in the face and says, “Go show yo’ grandma!”

The boy scoots over to his grandma’s room and says, “Look Grandma, I’m a white boy!”

Once again, he is slapped in the face, this time by his grandma. She tells the boy to go back to his momma.

Once he arrives downstairs, his momma says, “Well, did you learn anything from that?!”

The boy replied, “Sure enough did. I’ve only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate three black people!”

LAST NIGHT!!!

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 13, 2011 | No Comments

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can’t forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body…you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night’s events.

My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you… as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won’t let you go, will hold you with all my strength so you won’t disappear.

I won’t rest until I squeeze your blood out….. you friggin’ mosquito!

Birth Control Pills

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 12, 2011 | No Comments

A Hillbilly walked into a drugstore and asked the pharmacist if they carried birth control pills.

The pharmacist informed the man that they did, but also told him they were for women.

The man acknowledged that he knew that, that they were for his twelve year old daughter.

The pharmacist asked, “Is your daughter sexually active?”

The man thought for a moment and responded,

“No, she just lays there like her mother.”

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