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Smoking Dope

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 31, 2011 | No Comments

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”

“17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew 2 circles like this – O o …and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, (to the 2nd boy) how did you do?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?!”

“Well, I used a similar approach. (draws 2 circles)… I said (pointing to the small circle) “this is your asshole before prison . . .”

Idiot Sightings

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 30, 2011 | No Comments

I work at a large retail chain in columbus at the customer service desk. On day I had a man call and ask where the store was located, so I told him. Then he asked me to spell the street name, so I did. He said he was unfamiliar with the area and asked for directions. I asked him where he was coming from. He responded, “from my house”. Can you believe it!!!!

10 Ways To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 29, 2011 | 1 Comment

1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out

3. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.

4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

6. Mini-Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary”.

8. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

9. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

10. Men are From Mars, Women can see Your Penis

AFGHAN TV GUIDE

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 28, 2011 | No Comments

MONDAYS:
8:00 – “Husseinfeld”
8:30 – “Mad About Everything”
9:00 – “Suddenly Sanctions”
9:30 – “The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show”
10:00 – “Allah McBeal”

TUESDAYS:
8:00 – “Wheel of Terror and Fortune”
8:30 – “The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right”
9:00 – “Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things”
9:30 – “Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
10:00 – “Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer”

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 – “U.S. Military Secrets Revealed”
8:30 – “When Northern Alliance Attack”
9:00 – “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread”
9:30 – “Just Shoot Everyone”
10:00 – “Veilwatch”

THURSDAYS:
8:30 – “M*U*S*T*A*S*H”
9:00 – “Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils”
9:30 – “My Two Baghdads”
10:00 – “Diagnosis: Heresy”

FRIDAYS:
8:00 – “Judge Laden”
8:30 – “Funniest Super 8 Home Movies”
9:00 – “Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things”
9:30 – “Achmeds Creek”
10:00 – “No-witness News”
11:00 – Beavis and Raghead”
12:00 – This Old Tent” with Bob Villain

Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 27, 2011 | No Comments

Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter who says to Hef,

“You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your pornography. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without having even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth for all eternity.”

Hef decides that this will be easy, for the tunnel is only 100 feet long. So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following close behind. About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans closer to Hef and whispers in his ear . . . “Tits”

A trap door opens and Hef falls down into Hell.

St. Peter then goes to Heather Locklear and says,

“You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your sexy looks and provocative behavior. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without having even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth for all eternity.”

Heather begins her trek down the tunnel with St. Peter close behind. About half way down St. Peter leans closer to Heather to whisper in her ear.

A trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into Hell.

How to Make Love

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 26, 2011 | No Comments

Older brother, Joe, was giving advice to his younger brother, Kevin, on how to make love to a woman.

“You need to start off slowly” explained Joe, “build up the tempo, then slow it back down again, then mix it up a little – fast then slow.”

Kevin seems a little unsure, so Joe shares a technique he uses to keep focused.

“When you’re having sex, imagine that you have a pocket full of change. Start out slow and gentle and think of a nickel. Increase the tempo and think of a dime. Step it up a bit more and think of a quarter. Then, as you really build up, think of a dollar. Finally, drop back to a nickel again and repeat the whole thing. You’ll drive any woman wild with desire.”

Shorty after this, Kevin finds himself about to have his first sexual encounter and he decides to use the advice his brother gave him.

He starts out real slow and in his mind he’s thinking,

“nickel . . . . nickel . . . . nickel . . . . nickel
dime . . . dime . . . dime
quarter..quarter
dollar
BUCK FORTY! – BUCK FORTY! – BUCK FORTY!!!”

From Actual Resumes

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 25, 2011 | No Comments

These are from actual resumes:

“Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs.

“I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.”

“Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap.”

“I intentionally omitted my salary history. I’ve made money and lost money. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I prefer being rich.”

“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”

“Number of dependents: 40.”

“Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.”

RESUME BLOOPERS

“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

“Responsibility makes me nervous.”

“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

“Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.”

“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”

“The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.”

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

“While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.”

“I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

“Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.”

“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

“I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

“Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.”

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

“Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.”

Old Amish Remedy

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 24, 2011 | No Comments

A man breaks down in the middle of Pennsylvania Dutch country on a cold January day. After a few minutes an Amish man in a horse-pulled buggy pulls up and asks if he needs a ride into town. The man accepts and climbs up into the buggy.

After a few miles, the Amish man stands up and leans forward. He lifts the horses tail, rubs its ass with his finger and then rubs all around his own mouth.

The passenger is both amazed and revolted at what he’s just witnessed but decides to remain quiet.

This happens twice more during the trip to town. Each time the Amish man rubs his finger over the horse’s sweaty ass and then rubs around his own mouth.

By the time they reach town, the guy’s curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the Amish man to explain what’s been going on.

“I have chapped lips”, the Amish man replied.

“Oh I see” said the man, “Is that an old Amish remedy?”

“No, but it sure keeps you from licking your lips!!”

STEVE’S A JERK

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 23, 2011 | No Comments

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve. He would complain about everything. That day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.

The minister asked ”Why are you shaking your head yes for men and no for women?”

Her response was, ”The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, ‘Yes, I’ll be alright.’ When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale . . . “

BERLITZ GUIDE TO THE OFFICE LANGUAGE

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 22, 2011 | No Comments

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and then leaves.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

OHNO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. Like making the selection that reformats your hard drive.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

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