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Elderly Widow

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 18, 2011 | No Comments

Worried that they hadn’t heard anything for days from the elderly widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son,

“Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?”

A few minutes later, Tony returned.

“Well, is she all right?” asked the mother.

“She’s fine, but she’s rather annoyed with you,” remarked Tony.

“At me?” the mother exclaimed. “Whatever for?”

Tony replied, “Mrs. Pierpoint said it’s none of your business how old she is.”

What Girls think The Morning After

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 17, 2011 | No Comments

Sung to the tune of “I will survive!”

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly wanker that was lying by my side.
I would’ve drunk a little less,
I would’ve tried to keep my head,
If I’d known for just one second
I’d be in your crusty bed

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I’ve fallen on the floor.
Your butt’s a pimply mess,
it’s just a broken-out disgrace,
But I’d rather look at that,
than at your fucking ugly face..!

I want to go, I’ve got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to heave.
I only know I’ve got to stop my drinking spirits and the beer,
Coz when I looked at you last night,
you looked just like that Richard Gere!

I can’t believe, that we both shagged.
You should be wearing concrete shoes or simply bound and gagged.
I’m fucking off right now,
I’m jumping on the flippin’ train
and I’m not stopping till I’m home and washed your greeblies down the drain.

Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you’re an ugly prick,
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at least he’s got a lovely flat.
But no I go and trust the booze and now I’m stuck with you, you twat.

It’s time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I’m going to give up all the booze,
I’m going to have no stupid fun,
Coz waking up beside your mug,
Just makes me want to be a nun!

Double Standard

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 16, 2011 | No Comments

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor’s office.

“We have come for an examination,” said the young girl.

“Alright,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.”

“No, not me,” said the girl. “it’s my old aunt here.”

“Very well,” said the doctor. “Madam, stick out your tongue….”

Crowded Doctor’s Office

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 15, 2011 | No Comments

A man walks into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approaches the desk, the receptionist asks,

“Sir, may we help you?”

“There’s something wrong with my penis,” he informs her.

The receptionist indignantly responds, “Sir, You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say something like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he says.

“Because” replies the receptionist. “You’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there’s something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man walks out, waits several minutes, and reenters. The receptionist smiles smugly and asks,

“Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he states.

The receptionist nods approvingly.

“And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”

“It burns when I piss out of it” the man replied.

David Copperfield

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 14, 2011 | No Comments

A high school girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party all alone.

Since she was very good looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her Mom said,

“It is very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him ‘What will be the name of our baby?’, that will scare them off.” So off she went.

After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her and, little by little, kissing her and touching her. She asked him, “What will our baby be called?”

The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later the same thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders… she stopped him and asked him ‘What will be the name of our baby?’,

He ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes he started kissing her and she asked him, “What will our baby be called?”

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. “What will our baby be called?” she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her. “What will our baby be called?!” she asked again.

After he was done, he peeled off his condom, tied it in a knot and said,

“…if he gets out of this one…David Copperfield!”

Extra Large Condoms

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 13, 2011 | 1 Comment

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.

He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”

She responds, “No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?”

A Priest and A Nun

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 12, 2011 | No Comments

A priest and a nun are on their way home from a convention when suddenly, their car dies.

The priest says to the nun “Well Sister, I’m afraid we are going to have to go to a hotel for the night.”

The nun just smiles, and says ” OK, Father.”

They arrive at the hotel to find that there is only one room available. The priest says ‘Well Sister, I’m afraid we are going to have to share a room. I’m sure that under the circumstances, God won’t mind. You sleep in the bed and I’ll sleep on the couch.”

The nun just smiles and says ” OK, Father.”

They check into the room and prepare for bed, the priest on the couch, and the nun in the bed. The priest turns out the lights and goes to sleep.

Ten minutes later the nun says “Father, I’m cold.”

The priest says “OK Sister, I’ll get you an extra blanket.” He gets her a blanket and goes back to sleep.

Ten minutes later, the nun says “Father, I’m STILL cold.” So the priest gets up, gets her another blanket, and goes back to sleep again.

Ten minutes later, the nun says “Father, I’m VERY cold. You don’t suppose that, under the circumstances, God would mind if we acted like husband and wife for just one night?”

The priest answered, ” No. I don’t suppose he would – GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET!”

CASUAL FRIDAYS

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 11, 2011 | 1 Comment

Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, the Committee On Committee’s has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards” has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

Tire Blew Out

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 10, 2011 | 1 Comment

I was traveling between Phoenix and Ajo the other day south of Gila Bend when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, “Need a lift?”

“Yes, I sure do,” I replied.

“You a Republican or Democrat,” asked the old man.

“Democrat,” I replied.

“Well, you can just go to Hell,” yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, “Democrat.” The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Democrats.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.

“Republican!”, I shouted.

“Hop in!”, replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn’t help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, “Please stop the car.” She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.

“What’s the matter?”, she asked.

“I can’t take it anymore,” I replied. “I’ve only been a Republican for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody.”

Spelling Mistake

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 9, 2011 | No Comments

One spelling mistake can destroy your life!

A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add ‘e’ at the end of a word…

“I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her..!”

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