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Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 19, 2011 | No Comments

A couple years ago, I was suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome, brought on by stress. I’ve since gotten over it and learned to deal with stress a lot better, but at the time, I was having very bad intestinal spasms several times a day. That meant rushing to the bathroom on a moment’s notice and occasionally not getting there in time. I found this very disturbing, particularly when it happened in public.

Like the time I was coming home from work. It was Friday, summer time, so I got out of work at 1:00 PM and was taking the train home. Lucky for me, and other passengers, it was an old style diesel train with alcoves between the cars that were open to the outside. As I sat inside the car, I felt a wave of spasms coming on. This meant I had about a minute to get to the restroom aboard the train. Only one or two cars on each train had them, so I started to walk forward one, two, three cars.

When I got to the first car and saw there was no bathroom there either, I walked back, knowing I was on borrowed time. Up to now, the spasms had been coming in slow waves, each more intense than the last. When I turned and began walking back, I felt the spasms turn into a slow steady squeeze, which I knew would continue to build until I released the pressure.

So I kept on walking, the pressure in my bowels building as I walked. I had to get back to my car and keep walking the other direction. At some point I knew I wasn’t going to make it to the next restroom. I was still thirty minutes or more from home. I guess once you realize you are definitely going to shit in your clothes, your body knows not to expend the effort to contain it. I had just entered my car, and was only a few steps from the door, so I turned back toward the exit so at least I’d be in the alcove in the open air when I lost it. I turned and bumped right into the conductor, who needed to check my ticket! I handed him my ticket and as he handed it back, I released the entire load into my pants.

I don’t think he noticed. I just bolted through the door into the alcove and stood their for the remainder of the trip with diarrhea seeping down my legs and into my shoes.

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