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Something in Your Hand?

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 28, 2011 | No Comments

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.

“What happened to you? asks Sean the bartender.

“Jamie O Conner and me had a fight.” says Paddy.

“That little shit, O Conner ” says Sean “He couldn’t do that to you, he must of had something in his hand.”

“That he did. says Paddy ”a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licken he gave me with it”

“Well” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”

”That I did” said Paddy…”Mrs. O Conner’s Chest, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”

Book With No Story

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 27, 2011 | 1 Comment

A blond puts a book on the librarian’s desk and says,

“This book has no story and way too many characters.”

The librarian says, “So that’s where the phone book went.”

Doctor Assistant

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 26, 2011 | No Comments

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. “Ole, I am goin’ huntin’ tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Ole, how was your day?”

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.”

“Bravo, Mate, and the second one?” asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,” says Ole.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts, “HELP ME – I haven’t seen a man in over two years !! ”

“Ole, what did you do?” asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes!!”

Sex Therapist

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 25, 2011 | No Comments

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

“Isn’t there some way to judge the size of a man’s equipment from the outside?” she asked earnestly.

“The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet,” counselled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read,

“With my compliments. Take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you.”

Self-examination of the Breast and Testicles

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 24, 2011 | No Comments

A medical professor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast and testicles. A female student asked another male student,

“Do you ever get an erection when you do a self-examination of your testicles?”

“Sometimes, yes” replied the male student.

“What do you do about it?” She then asked.

“Nothing, why?”

She thought for a while then said, “You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?”

“Err, no” he replied

“You mean a man’s penis will go down without having an orgasm?”

“Of course”

“I’m going to kill my husband!”

Her Story / His Story

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 23, 2011 | 1 Comment

A couple have been in a relationship for about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going. I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he’s still a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it’s me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I’m not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don’t know what the hell that means because, you know, he doesn’t say it back or anything so when we get back to his place I’m wondering if he’s going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I’m going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and, I dunno, I just don’t know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else ???

His story:

Shit day at work. Great fuck later.

Who’s Better

Two little boys were arguing. “My father is better than your father!” “No he’s not!” “My brother is better than your brother!” “No he’s not!” “My mother is better than your mother!” The second boy paused. “Well I guess you’ve got me there. My father says the same thing.”

Like The Guys

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 22, 2011 | No Comments

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other,

“I’ve always wanted to be like the guys, and pee off a bridge.”

The other woman looks around and says,

“Well, I don’t see anyone around, now’s your chance!”

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to pee, she looks over her shoulder.

“Holly shit!” she exclaims, “I just pissed in a canoe!”

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks down at the stream below.

“Calm down,” she says. “That wasn’t a canoe you pissed in, it was just your reflection.”

A Flower Show

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 21, 2011 | No Comments

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said,

“Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I’d take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!”

“You’re on!” said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.

His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

“Wow, what happened?” asked his friend.

“It was great!” he said, “I won first prize for dried arrangement!”

Lips On The Mirror

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 20, 2011 | No Comments

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.

They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 19, 2011 | No Comments

A couple years ago, I was suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome, brought on by stress. I’ve since gotten over it and learned to deal with stress a lot better, but at the time, I was having very bad intestinal spasms several times a day. That meant rushing to the bathroom on a moment’s notice and occasionally not getting there in time. I found this very disturbing, particularly when it happened in public.

Like the time I was coming home from work. It was Friday, summer time, so I got out of work at 1:00 PM and was taking the train home. Lucky for me, and other passengers, it was an old style diesel train with alcoves between the cars that were open to the outside. As I sat inside the car, I felt a wave of spasms coming on. This meant I had about a minute to get to the restroom aboard the train. Only one or two cars on each train had them, so I started to walk forward one, two, three cars.

When I got to the first car and saw there was no bathroom there either, I walked back, knowing I was on borrowed time. Up to now, the spasms had been coming in slow waves, each more intense than the last. When I turned and began walking back, I felt the spasms turn into a slow steady squeeze, which I knew would continue to build until I released the pressure.

So I kept on walking, the pressure in my bowels building as I walked. I had to get back to my car and keep walking the other direction. At some point I knew I wasn’t going to make it to the next restroom. I was still thirty minutes or more from home. I guess once you realize you are definitely going to shit in your clothes, your body knows not to expend the effort to contain it. I had just entered my car, and was only a few steps from the door, so I turned back toward the exit so at least I’d be in the alcove in the open air when I lost it. I turned and bumped right into the conductor, who needed to check my ticket! I handed him my ticket and as he handed it back, I released the entire load into my pants.

I don’t think he noticed. I just bolted through the door into the alcove and stood their for the remainder of the trip with diarrhea seeping down my legs and into my shoes.

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