Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

It’s Your Mom

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 21, 2011 | No Comments

When I was in college, I dated this guy… we’ll call him Jim. His parents were coming down for a visit on Saturday and he wanted me to meet them, so we were supposed to go to dinner with them that evening.

I spent the night with him that Friday, and early Saturday morning someone was knocking at his door. Jim just ignored it, because like me he assumed it was just a friend. Then we heard a woman’s voice saying: “Jim, open up… it’s your Mom.”

Well, I panicked and jumped out of bed and started getting dressed, thinking that I could maybe sneak through the bathroom to his roommate’s room and get out without his parents ever knowing I was there. Jim’s room was on the first floor and he had left the window open.

You can imagine how embarrassed I was when his mom threw the curtains back and stuck her head in… and there I was standing in the middle of the room with nothing on but my underwear!!! I had very long hair and just hid my face and breasts from her view with my hair.

Jim was still laying in bed, and he was just as cool and calm as ever saying: “Hi Mom, meet Mary. She’s the girl I was telling you about.” Well, needless to say I didn’t go to dinner with them that night.

Years later, after we were out of college, Jim and I ended up meeting again and dated for 5 years. His mom never forgot that I was that girl in the college dorm room! It was always very uncomfortable being around her.

Three Hookers

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 20, 2011 | No Comments

Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the night before.

“I entertained a cowboy last night”, says the first.

“How did you know he was a cowboy?” asks the second.

“Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together.”

“Sounds like a cowboy, all right.” the others say.

“I entertained a lawyer,” announces the second. “I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time.”

They agree he sounded like a lawyer.

“I had a farmer for a client,” comments the third.

“How could you possibly know he was a farmer?” she is asked.

“Well first he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall.”

Wrong Side of the Bed

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 19, 2011 | 1 Comment

A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, “Good morning sisters”.

They reply in a sing song manner, “You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, “Good morning Brother.”

The Brother replies in a sing song voice, “You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

The priest was very confused at this and goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, “Good morning Father.”

The priest replies in a sing song manner, “You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, “Father …”

The young priest was not going to take any more, even from the Bishop. He looks at the Bishop and says, “No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

The Bishop looks at him stunned and says “What?”

The priest realized his mistake and said “I am sorry your holiness, what is it you wanted.”

The bishop looks at him and says, “All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann’s shoes?”

Three Turtles

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 18, 2011 | No Comments

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic.

So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone’s exhausted.

Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, “Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.”
“I didn’t bring the bottle opener,” Steve says. “I thought you packed it.”
Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. “Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?” Naturally, Raymond doesn’t have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.

Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.

After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.

Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.

Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight,

Steve starts getting restless. “I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. “NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, “I knew it!, I’m not fucking going now!”

A Cat’s Guide To Human Beings

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 17, 2011 | No Comments

1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?

So you’ve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you’ve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.

What’s so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:

THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.

Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

2. How And When to Get Your Human’s Attention

Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.

Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:

Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it’s something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.

Waking your human at odd hours: A cat’s “golden time” is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human’s sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

3. Punishing Your Human Being

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:

· Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.

· Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.

· Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.

· After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.

· While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?

The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they’ve been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor’s Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human’s face, you’ll know it’s worth it.

5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?

You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They’re humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

Old Rich Man

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 16, 2011 | 1 Comment

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing that apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system of polishing and selling, each time reinvesting my profits into buying more apples.”

“Wow!” said the young man, “and that’s how you accumulated your fortune?”

“Nah”, said the old man, “my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

Shipwrecked

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 15, 2011 | No Comments

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn’t even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks, “Finally! I’m going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they’re going to give me some clothes and I’m going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She’ll start to take off her clothes and she’ll be wearing red silk panties!”

At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, “Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!”

Two Wishes From God

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 14, 2011 | 1 Comment

Man got 2 wishes from God

He asked 4 d best drink and d best woman ever

Next morning he got mineral water & mother Teresa

Noah’s Ark

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 13, 2011 | No Comments

“Listen up!” Noah said in a demanding voice. “There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males, take off your peckers and hand it to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your peckers back.”

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife’s cage and was very excited.

“Quick!” he said. “Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!”

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window.

“Sorry, no land yet.”

“Shit!” and out went Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day for a week until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.

“What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?”

“Look!” said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of, paper, “I got the donkey’s receipt!!”

Two Christians in the Desert

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 12, 2011 | No Comments

Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert . One is David, the other is Michael. They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis , with what looked like an minaret of a mosque in the middle .

David said to Michael : “Look, let’s pretend we are Muslim, otherwise these Arabs are going to kill us . I am going to call myself Mohammed.”

Michael refused to change his name , he said :” My name is Michael , and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am . …Michael.”

The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names. David said : “My name is Mohammed.” Michael said : “My name is Michael. ”

The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said : “Please bring some food and water for Michael only.” Then he turned to the other and said:

“Well Mohammed I hope you are aware that we are still in the holy month of Ramadan.”

« go backkeep looking »

    About Joke Diary

    This site is dedicated to everybody who likes Funny Jokes.

    Make A Donation

    If you liked my work and effort then please consider to
    Funny Jokes everyday for three months from http://JokeDiary.com via email for just 1 dollar donation.

    Search Jokes

    Nuffnang

    Link Me Up

    Chat Box

    Joke of the Day feed

    Join us @ Twitter

    Others

    Online Users

    Locations of visitors to this page

    Admin