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Tough Occupation

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 20, 2010 | No Comments

“When I was growing up my mother wanted me to be a priest, but I think it’s a tough occupation. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in and tell you all the highlights of theirs?”

Birds And Bees

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 19, 2010 | No Comments

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, “Great… he’s 4 and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I’ll just let him ask and I’ll answer.”

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said: “Well, son, do you have any questions?”

“Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed lad:
“How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”

Poetry In Bed

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 18, 2010 | No Comments

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, “I’m really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin’ freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink. After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed. They both think for a while when the guy says, “Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can’t pee in mine”. So she thinks for a minute and says, “Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you’ll never know the depth of mine.

The Best “Out of Office” E-mail Auto-Replies

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 17, 2010 | No Comments

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2: I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.

11: I’ve run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Steve’

Gift Wrap

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 16, 2010 | No Comments

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

Rules in Workplace

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 15, 2010 | No Comments

Rule-1
The Boss is always right.

Rule-2
If the Boss is wrong, see Rule 1.

Rule-3
Those who work get more work.
Others get pay, perks, and promotions.

Rule-4
Ph.D. stands for “Pull Him Down”.
The more intelligent a person,
The more hardworking a person,
The more committed a person;
The more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.

Rule-5
If you are good, you will get all the work.
If you are really good, you will get out of it.

Rule-6
When the Bosses talk about improving productivity,
They are never talking about themselves.

Rule-7
It doesn’t matter what you do,
It only matters what you say you’ve done and what you are going to do.

Rule-8
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Rule-9
Don’t be irreplaceable.
If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

Rule-10
The more crap you put up with,
The more crap you are going to get.

Rule-11
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit.
No use being a damn fool about it.

Rule-12
When you don’t know what to do,
Walk fast and look worried.

Rule-13
Following the rules will not get the job done.

Rule-14
If it weren’t for the last minute,
Nothing would get done.

Rule-15
Everything can be filed under “Miscellaneous” .

Rule-16
No matter how much you do,
You never do enough.

Rule-17
You can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work you are supposed to be doing.

Rule-18
In order to get a promotion,
You need not necessarily know your job.

Rule-19
In order to get a promotion,
You only need to pretend that you know your job.

Rule-20
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

English

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 14, 2010 | 1 Comment

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Survey With Woman

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 13, 2010 | No Comments

“In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other five per cent said they didn’t care they would have married him anyway!!”

TO CLEAN PHONE AND INTERNET ACCESS LINES

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 12, 2010 | No Comments

Los Angeles, CA – April 22, 2002 – Southcoast Bellcom, a subsidiary of PCG Communications, is preparing to join telephone companies throughout the U.S. in a nationwide cleaning of all phone and telecom lines next Sunday. “We do this about every 10 years,” said a Richard Schvanski, spokesperson for the National Telephone Association. “Over time, dust collects in the lines and this leads to weak connections and static, as well as to broken and slow Internet connectivity.”

To clean the lines, Schvanski said, all telephone companies will use air compressors at their central locations in each city to blow a blast of air through phone lines and cable networks. The 10-minute process will cause dust to blow through telephone receivers, fax and answering machines, and both traditional PC and DSL modems in homes and offices throughout the U.S.

Schvanski explained that most people are being urged to set a newspaper under their telecom device before going to bed Sunday night. The cleaning will be done between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. so as to disturb as few people as possible, he said. In the past, the spokesperson said, some people have put a plastic baggy over their telephone’s handset to catch the dust, or wrapped the handset with a cloth to keep dust from getting on their furniture. Cell phones, pagers, and other wireless devices are not affected.

What Would Be Different If Men Really Ruled the World

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 11, 2010 | No Comments

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.

St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: “You know how fast you were going” You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.” Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

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