Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Then And Now

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 30, 2010 | No Comments

Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it’s cool.
Now: Moving to California because it’s warm.

Then: Growing pot.
Now: Growing pot belly.

Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your children.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints, aching joints.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: Getting out to a new hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal’s office.
Now: Calling the principal’s office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system!

Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: “Whatever”
Now: “Depends”

Aladdin Genie

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 29, 2010 | No Comments

Three American blonds were lost in Vietnam(during the war),they had no water no food for days.

While walking they met Aladdin Genie,and he says:”i’ll give each one of u two wishes”

The 1st. says:”i want u to bring me one “diet cola” and to send me back to my family cuz i miss them soooo much and so she was back to the states happily.

The 2nd says “i want u to send me back to my boy friend and to give me 50$ so i can buy him a present and so she was back to the states kissing her man cheerfully.

The 3rd was like heeeeeey u smart ass u think u’re smart ha. trying to send my friends away from me so i’ll be all alone, bring them back right now.

Colored

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 28, 2010 | No Comments

A black man talks to a white man:

When I was born I was black,
When I grew up I was black,
When I’m sick I’m black,
When I go in the sun I’m black,
When I’m cold I’m black,
When I die I’ll be black.

But you:
When you’re born you’re pink,
When you grow up you’re white,
When you’re sick, you’re green,
When you go in the sun you turn red,
When you’re cold you turn blue,
and when you die you turn purple.

And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!

Rough Day

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 27, 2010 | No Comments

“I’ve had a rough day. I put my shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.”

Pope

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 26, 2010 | No Comments

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘u-n-t’?”

Only one word leapt to mind…my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”

“Ah Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

Murdering a School Teacher

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 25, 2010 | No Comments

A judge asked a defendant to please stand.

“You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.” From out in the audience a man shouted,

“Lying bastard!”

“Silence in the court!”, the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.”

“Tightwad!”, blurted the man again.

“Quiet!”, yelled the judge who continued, “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”

“Son of a…” the man started to shout when the judge thundered back,

“If you don’t tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!”

So the man answered, “I’ve lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!”

Kindergarten Drawings

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 24, 2010 | No Comments

Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the refrigerator. One thing started bothering her. Little Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child psychologist.

The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and browns.

Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.

Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, “Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!”

Bad Marketing Translations

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 23, 2010 | No Comments

1.
The Dairy Association’s huge success with their campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read “Are you lactating?”

2.
Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer From Diarrhea.”

3.
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”

4.
Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “Manure Stick.”

5.
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.

6.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious pornographic magazine.

7.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I Saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I Saw the Potato” (la papa).

8.
Pepsi’s “Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave” in Chinese.

9.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Kekoukela”, meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “kokou kole”, translating into “happiness in the mouth.”

10.
Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”

11.
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant”

12.
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its “Fly In Leather” campaign literally, which meant “Fly Naked” (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

13.
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

14.
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”

15.
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem – Feeling Free,” got translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”

16.
Ford had a problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

17.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

18.
Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

Before And After Marriage

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 22, 2010 | No Comments

Before – You take my breath away.
After – I feel like I’m suffocating.

Before – Twice a night.
After – Twice a month.

Before – She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After – She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before – Ricky & Lucy.
After – Fred & Ethel.

Before – Saturday Night Live.
After – Monday Night Football.

Before – He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After – If I had a dime for every stupid thing he’s done…

Before – Don’t Stop.
After – Don’t Start.

Before – The Sound of Music.
After – The Sound of Silence.

Before – Is that all you are eating?
After – Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before – Wheel of Fortune.
After – Jeopardy.

Before – It’s like living a dream.
After – It’s a nightmare.

Before – $60/dozen.
After – $1.50/stem.

Before – Turbocharged.
After – Needs a jump-start.

Before – We agree on everything!
After – Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?

Before – Victoria’s Secret.
After – Fruit of the Loom.

Before – Feathers & handcuffs.
After – Ball and chain.

Before – Idol.
After – Idle.

Before – He’s lost without me.
After – Why can’t he ask for directions?

Before – When together, time stands still.
After – This relationship is going nowhere.

Before – Croissant and cappuccino.
After – Bagels and instant coffee.

Before – Oysters.
After – Fishsticks.

Before – I can hardly believe we found each other.
After – How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

Before – Romeo and Juliet.
After – Bill and Hillary.

Bad Fight

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 21, 2010 | No Comments

This woman and her husband have a really bad fight.

He goes off to work the next day without talking to her, but she doesn’t care.

She’s busy doing her thing around the house when all of a sudden, the doorbell rings.

She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses from her husband.

She says to the delivery guy with disgust, “Oh CRAP!”

The delivery guy says, “What’s a matter lady? You don’t like roses?”

She replies, “Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means?”

He says, “No, Lady, what does this mean?”

She answers, “It means for the next two weeks I’ll be laying on my back with my legs in the air.”

He replies, “Geez, Lady, don’t you have a vase?”

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