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Joke of the Day For Everybody

Port or Sherry

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 31, 2010 | 2 Comments

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,

“Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world. Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.”

Good Time

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 30, 2010 | No Comments

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,

“Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?”

“Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,” said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn’t believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said,

“Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?”

“Oh, no, Ole,” said Lena. “Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?”

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn’t say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

“Hey, Lena,” said Ole, “vould you like a smoke?”

“Oh, no, Ole,” said Lena. “Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?”

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He’d struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

“Hey, Lena,” said Ole, “how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?”

“Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,” said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn’t believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow. “Vat have I done? Vat have I done?” thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. “Lena, I’ve got to ask you von ting,” said Ole. “Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”

“Lena said, “The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don’t have to smoke or drink to have a good time!”

Knowledge of Wine

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 29, 2010 | No Comments

On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.

Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward, “No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered.”

The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, “No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it’s from the Mount Helena vineyards!”

Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, “Wow, that’s an impressive ability. Can You tell me what’s in my glass?”

Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk’s glass. “Christ, this tastes like piss”, he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.

“That’s exactly right”, said the drunk. “Now tell me when and where I was born.”

Drugstore

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 28, 2010 | No Comments

A guy walks into a drugstore and asks for a package of condoms.

“I’m afraid I can only sell them to you if you’re married.” The druggist says.

“Well, I am, “replies the guy.

“You’ll have to prove it,” says the drugist.

So the guy rushes back home, gets his marriage certificate, shows it to the drugist and finally gets his condoms.

A few days later, the same guy goes back to the same drugist to get some flea powder for his dog.

“Got a dog license?” the drugist asks.

The guy reluctantly trudges home in a rage and gets the dog licence and is finally handed his flea powder.

The next day he’s back in the shop and hands the drugist a screw-top-jar.

“Here, smell this,” he tells the drugist.

“The drugist unscrews the lid and takes a whiff.

“That smells like Shit!” cries the drugist, wrinkling his nose.

“Correct,” says the guy. “Now two rolls of toilet paper please.”

Old Woman

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 27, 2010 | No Comments

As I grow in age, I value older women most of all. Here are just a few reasons why.

An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think.

An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 gives a damn what you might think about her.

Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Older women couldn’t care less.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.

An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Her libido’s stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone. Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal and she’s lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of. (Young men, you have something to look forward to.)

Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in plain pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.

Classmate

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 26, 2010 | No Comments

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1962.”

“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”

Going Bald

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 25, 2010 | 2 Comments

“You know your going bald when your conversations with your barber keep getting shorter and shorter. I sit down. ‘How about those . . .’ ‘Next.’ ‘What?’ ‘We’re done.’ ‘Well, here’s a tip.’ ‘I can’t. That would be stealing.'”

Two Midgets

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 24, 2010 | No Comments

Two midgets vacationing in Las Vegas pick up a couple of hookers and take them back to their hotel room for a little fun.

After a few cocktails and some dancing, the lights go out, but the night doesn’t go as planned.

The first midget not only can’t get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to his buddy grunting…

“One, two, three, HUH! One, two, three, HUH!” over and over.

In the morning his pal asks him, “So how was it last night?”

“I can’t believe how much it sucked,” says the first midget. “I couldn’t get hard all night. I’m so ashamed.”

The second midget answers,

“You think that’s bad? I couldn’t even get up on the bed.”

Which Part

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 23, 2010 | No Comments

Teacher: “Where were u born?”
Student: “Singapore, Sir.”
Teacher: “Which part?”
Student: “All of me, Sir.”

Hinges

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 22, 2010 | No Comments

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, “How much is that faucet?”
The manager replied, “That’s a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.”

Mary exclaimed, “My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It’s certainly out of my price bracket.”

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. “Ma’am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?” Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, “No, but I will for the faucet.”

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