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HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 31, 2010 | 1 Comment

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

Corporate Lesson: The Washerman, Dog and Donkey

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 30, 2010 | No Comments

Good story with old version…

There was once a washer man who had a donkey and a dog.

One night when the whole world was sleeping, a thief broke into the house, the washer man was fast asleep but the donkey and the dog were awake.

The dog decided not to bark since the master did not take good care of him and wanted to teach him a lesson.

The donkey got worried and said to the dog that if he doesn’t bark, the donkey will have to do something himself. The dog did not change his mind and the donkey started braying loudly.

Hearing the donkey bray, the thief ran away, the master woke up and started beating the donkey for braying in the middle of the night for no reason.

Moral of the story ” One must not engage in duties other than his own”

Now take a new look at the same story…

The washer man was a well educated man from a premier management institute.

He had the fundas of looking at the bigger picture and thinking out of the box. He was convinced that there must be some reason for the donkey to bray in the night.

He walked outside a little and did some fact finding, applied a bottom up approach, figured out from the ground realities that there was a thief who broke in and the donkey only wanted to alert him about it.

Looking at the donkey’s extra initiative and going beyond the call of the duty, he rewarded him with lot of hay and other perks and became his favorite pet.

The dog’s life didn’t change much, except that now the donkey was more motivated in doing the dogs duties as well. In the annual appraisal the dog managed a ” meets requirement” Soon the dog realized that the donkey is taking care of his duties and he can enjoy his life sleeping and lazing around.

The donkey was rated as “star performer”. The donkey had to live up to his already high performance standards. Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now is looking for a job rotation.

If you have worked in a corporate environment, I am sure you have guessed the characters of the new story.

Intelligent People

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 29, 2010 | 1 Comment

Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen.

He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent. “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

She phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: “Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Gore?”

“Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Upon returning home, he decides he’d better put some of his old friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, “Hi, Bill, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, Al. What’s on your mind?”

“Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?” Gore agrees, and Clinton hangs up.

Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. “Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course, you idiot.”

Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!”

And Gore replies in disgust, “Wrong, it’s Tony Blair.”

A Mute

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 28, 2010 | No Comments

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his; also a mute.

In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!)

“Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!”

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist.

They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent damage. The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn’t be helped as well.

“Yes, yes” signed the mute. “Let’s have the first treatment right now!”

“Very well,” replied the specialist. “Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I’ll be right in.”

The mute does as instructed, and the doctor snuck in carrying a broomstick, a mallet and a jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he ‘sent it home’ with a deft swipe of the mallet.

The mute jumped from the table, screaming,

“AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!”

“VERY good,” smiled the doctor. “Next Tuesday, we work on ‘B’.”

The Geography of a Man

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 27, 2010 | No Comments

Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.

Bible Written by University Student

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 26, 2010 | No Comments

Top ten reasons why the bible would be different if it were written by university students.

10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning, cold.

9. The Ten Commandments would be actually only five, double-spaced, and written in large font.

8. Promiscuous females would be pissed, not stoned.

7. Forbidden fruit would still have been eaten, anything is better than college food.

6. Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

5. Reason Cain Killed Abel: they were flatting together and the dishes weren’t getting done.

4. The time and place where the end of the world occurs would be lecture theatres in October.

3. Mary would have made a complaint to the sexual harassment committee concerning Gods unwanted advances.

2. The reason why Moses and the followers walked in the desert for forty years: they didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Cats And Dogs

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 25, 2010 | No Comments

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They’re totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They’re moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION:
They’re tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION:
They’re tiny men in little fur coats

Poor Young Lady

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 24, 2010 | 1 Comment

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

“I’m afraid I don’t have a husband” she replies.

“OK Do you have a boyfriend?”, asks the Midwife.

“No, no boyfriend either.”

“Do you have a partner then?”

“No, I’m unattached, I’ll be having my baby on my own.”

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

“You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black”.

“Well,” replies the girl, “I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The leading man was black”.

“Oh,” says the midwife, “it’s really none of my business and I’m sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair”.

“Well yes,” the girl again replies, “you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy.”

“Oh,” the midwife repeats, “it’s really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes”.

“Yes,” continues the girl, “there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.”

At this, the midwife collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

“Thank God for that!”

“What do you mean?” says the midwife, shocked.

“Well,” says the girl extremely relieved, “I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!”

Cat Food

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 23, 2010 | No Comments

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

“Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to really be ticked if it’s not ready on time.”

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.

“Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. “You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The woman were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ass!”

FREEDOM FIGHTER

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 22, 2010 | No Comments

Every person is a FREEDOM FIGHTER……..
Immediately after Marriage!!

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