Most Feared Gunfighter
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 20, 2010 | No Comments
Young Billy wanted to be the best, most feared gunfighter in the Old West, and when he spotted Doc Holiday having a beer in a saloon, he asked if he could have a word with him.
“Sure, son, what’s on your mind?” asks Doc, looking up at the young man.
“Sir, I want to be the best gunfighter there is, and I’d be in your debt if you’d give me a lesson or two” says Billy.
“Well, the first thing I’d do” says Doc, “is tie the bottom of your holster to your leg so your pistol don’t get caught in it when you draw.”
Billy does as suggested, whips out his pistol and shoots the string-tie off the guy playing the piano. “Hey, you were right, Doc”, says Billy. “What else?”
“If you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, your gun will come out smoother” suggests Doc.
Billy does as Doc recommends, draws again and shoots a cufflink off the piano player. “This is great, Doc” says the delighted Billy, “anything more?”
“One more thing”, says Doc. “Get that tub of lard over there and rub it all over your pistol.”
“You mean so it’ll slide out of the holster faster?” says young Billy.
“No,” says Doc, “so when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano and shoves your gun up your ass, it won’t hurt as much.”
Prank
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 19, 2010 | No Comments
“We once played a practical joke on a friend at a sleep over. When the first person fell asleep, we let them get a good hour of sleep in before we got to work. We turned all the lights on in the house (but pulled the blinds shut) to make it seem like morning and then we set the alarm clock forward. When we woke the person up, we told her we were running late and made her get in the shower. When she got in, we turned all the lights out, set the clock back to it’s original time, and then all pretended to be asleep when she got out of the shower!”
What’s on your back?
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 18, 2010 | No Comments
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?”
The German responds, “I will take oil!” So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?”
“I will take nothing!” says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
“What will you take on your back?” the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, “I’ll take the Mexican.”
Mini Skirt at its Height
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 17, 2010 | No Comments
It was the late 1960s and the miniskirt was at its height – in more ways than one. I was 19 and had the figure to go with the look of the time – long legged and skinny.
I was a junior typist in an office attached to a factory, so the office staff was mostly made up of men and a couple of middle aged women who did the accounts.
I had a long bus journey to work every day and this particular day it was raining hard, so I was wearing a raincoat over my miniskirt – which was made of synthetic material – and I wore a pair of sheer nylon pantyhose as well.
The bus got in slightly late, so I arrived when everyone had just settled into their places. I took my coat off and the entire office gaped. Then all the men let out a big cheer and started whistling and the two women’s expressions were very prim and disapproving.
I looked down and saw that during the bus journey, my skirt (already short) had risen up all the way and was now around my waist!!! They never let me forget it until I left when I moved out of the area a year later!
Drinking Deer Hunters
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 16, 2010 | No Comments
One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.
A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.
Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, “Well, tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
Insufficient Funds
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 15, 2010 | No Comments
The economy is so bad that:If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Court Scene
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 14, 2010 | No Comments
1st Lawyer: You’re a fool!
2nd Lawyer: You’re a damn fool!
Judge: As the lawyers have now properly identified each other, can we now proceed with the case?
Afterlife Update
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 13, 2010 | 1 Comment
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. After many years, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact with his wife in a dream.
“Mary… Mary…” he called.
“Is that you, Fred?” she asked.
“Yes,” he said. “I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“What’s it like?” Mary asked.
“Well, I get up in the morning. I have sex. I have breakfast. I run around the golf course. I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again, and sex again,” he said.
“Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven!” Mary exclaimed.
“Not exactly,” Fred said. “I’m a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.”
Airline Pilots and Control Towers
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 12, 2010 | No Comments
Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”
Everybody and Nobody
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 11, 2010 | No Comments
This is a little story about four people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when
Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
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