Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Inventor

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 30, 2010 | No Comments

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks “Have you got the time?”

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.

“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. It’s an invention of mine I’ve been working on. Check this out” – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. “That’s not all”, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake.

“Zoom out”, Jake says, and the display changes to show all of eastern New York state.

“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.

“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs”, says the inventor.

“But look at this”, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far” says Jake.

“I’ve got to have this watch!”, says the stranger.

“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready…”

“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”

“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than…”

“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”

“But it’s just not…”

“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.”

Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

“Hey, wait a minute”, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.

Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station. “Don’t forget your batteries.”

Season Over

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 29, 2010 | No Comments

Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in Lena’s aunt’s cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters.

About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena,

“Lena, there’s a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?”

Lena replied, “No. I want to wait till we’ve get to Duluth.”

The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel.

Sven turned to Lena and asked,

“Look Lena, there’s a nice motel, how about we’ve consummate our marriage?”

Lena said, “No. I want to wait till we’ve get to Duluth.”

The bus was repaired and off they went.

Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down again. This time they were out in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus.

Lena turned to Sven,

“I think we’ve should go back into the woods and do it.”

Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena,

“Earlier we’ve were next to a nice hotel and you said ‘No’. Then, we’ve were by a motel and you said ‘No’. But, here we’ve vent out into the grassy woods and did it. Why?”

Lena said, “I was listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season would be over.”

WHY WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOTY GROUNDS

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 28, 2010 | No Comments

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.

2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.

3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.

4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence – check with ground-owner.

5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.

6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.

7. Don’t ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.

8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.

9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact the coroner.

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.

12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.

15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.

16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.

17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces, which don’t get hosed down as often as they should.

18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.

19. Be wary of grounds with room for team buses.

20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.

21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you p*ss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.

22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.

23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn’t had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better atmosphere

Two Starving Cannibals

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 27, 2010 | No Comments

Two starving cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said,

“Oh Dad, there’s one.”

“No”, said the father. “There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait.”

A little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said,

“Hey dad, he’s big enough.”

“No”, the father said. “We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait.”

About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said,

“Now there’s nothing wrong with that one Dad, let’s eat her.”

“No”, said the father. “Were not going to eat her either.”

“Why not?” asked the son.

“Because, we’re going to take her back alive, and eat your mother”.

The Gaza Strip

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 26, 2010 | No Comments

An American tourist was visiting the Gaza Strip recently. He became lost and he had no map to guide him. He decided to ask an Israeli Soldier for directions.

As the soldier was pointing the tourist in the right direction, he suddenly pulled out his gun and shot a Palestinian riding past on his bike.

The tourist, stunned at what he had just witnessed, said,

“What the hell did you do that for?”

The soldier replied,

“I did it because of the 9 o’clock curfew”

The tourist said “But it’s only 8:30!”

“Yes” said the soldier, “But I know where he lives and he would never have made it home in time.”

Trainee Blondes Detectives

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 25, 2010 | No Comments

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his side profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds”… think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer…wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does
in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?

“That’s easy,” the blonde replied.
“He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

Cleared for Takeoff

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 24, 2010 | No Comments

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”

Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”

Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers”

Nature Lovers, Campers, and Hikers

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 23, 2010 | No Comments

Important Message for all Nature Lovers, Campers, and Hikers.

Camping, hiking or working in wild country can lead to close encounters with bears, and because each species may react in a different way, it is important to know how to tell them apart.

With the increase in bear attacks in recent years, Parks Canada has come up with some strategies to keep you safe. Although you don’t want to startle a bear, you do want to let a bear know you are in its vicinity. By tying a small bell to your jacket, the gentle sound will be will heard and the bear will head in the opposite direction. Just in case you still find yourself face to face with a bear, also carry a can of pepper spray.

Under field conditions, bears are rarely in plain view; usually they are partially hidden by shrubs, trees or rock. The next strategy is to learn which bears are in the area you are visiting, i.e. Black Bears or Grizzly Bears.

The foolproof way to tell, is to look for bear scats (droppings). You can examine these scats to identify the foods consumed by the bear. If the scats have a sweet fruity smell, and contains berries, you can be sure it from a Black Bear.

If the dropping smell of pepper and contain tiny bells, you know it’s a Grizzly Bear.

Here’s another way to tell Brown bears from Grizzly bears.

First, as soon as you see a bear, climb up the nearest tree.

If the bear climbs up the tree and attacks you – it’s a Brown bear.

If the bear pushes over the tree and attacks you – it’s a Grizzly bear.

An old man’s T Shirt Quote

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 22, 2010 | No Comments

“I am not 60… I am 16 with 44 years of EXPERIENCE”
Think Different, Problems common to all but Attitude makes Difference.

Worst Air Disaster

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 21, 2010 | No Comments

Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two – plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

keep looking »

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