German Air Controllers at Frankfurt Airport
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 21, 2010 | No Comments
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign “Speedbird 206″:
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn’t stop.”
Hungry Baby
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 20, 2010 | No Comments
A young woman brings a very young and skinny baby to the doctor’s office.
She explained, “The baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.”
She was told to go into an examination room and wait for the doctor.
He comes in and examines the baby, then asks the woman, “Is he breast fed or on the bottle?”
“Breast fed.” she says.
“Well, strip down to your waist.” he orders.
She does.
He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both nipples, and then began powerfully sucking on one nipple. Finally he announces, “No wonder this baby is hungry, you don’t have any milk.”
“Naturally,” she says, “I’m his aunt; but I sure am glad I came in today.”
Advise To Men About What Woman Want
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 19, 2010 | No Comments
ONE – Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
TWO – If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don’t try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
THREE – Quit blowing smoke up woman’s asses about the sanctity and power they possess as life-givers and come up with some decent, affordable childcare. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won’t have to listen to any more idiots in Congress blathering about orphanages.
FOUR – Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at…say Carl, the brain-dead jack-off in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn’t you, because he’s a slacking, worthless, totally idiot. Now, imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo….
FIVE – This is very important: during lovemaking, don’t ask, “Who’s your daddy?” Even as a joke. All right? It’s not funny.
SIX – When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.
SEVEN – Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.
EIGHT – Don’t ask her if she came. You’re a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.
NINE – Don’t tell her how to merge and she won’t tell you to ask for directions.
TEN – When she catches you cheating on her and she cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.
Kids Smoking
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 18, 2010 | No Comments
Three kids were smoking behind the shed.
“My dad can blow smoke through his nose!” boasted the first.
“Ha, mine can blow smoke through this ears!” countered the second boy.
“That’s nothing,” piped up the third. “My dad can blow smoke through his arse. I know, ‘cos I’ve seen the nicotine stains on his undies.”
Halo
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 17, 2010 | No Comments
St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says,
“You were a good woman on Earth. I’m giving you a nice halo.”
Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.
Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says,
“St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did nowhere near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?”
St. Peter says, “That’s not a halo. That’s a steering wheel.”
How Man Change
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 16, 2010 | No Comments
The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I looo-ve you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn’t love you, then why did I marry you?
Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I’m home!
After 6 months: I’m BACK!!
After 6 years: Have you cooked yet?
Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
After 6 months: Here, it’s for you.
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE DAM*T!!
Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: DUMPLING AGAIN??
New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?
TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie.
After 6 years: I’m going to watch PIRATES play, if you’re not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself!
Making Love:
After 6 weeks: Baby, I want you tonight?
After 6 months: Lets make another baby, my mother just called!!!
After 6 years: Please MOVE over to your side, I’m suffocating here!!!!
Importance of a Period
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 15, 2010 | No Comments
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.
Words Women Use
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 14, 2010 | No Comments
FINE ~ This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES ~ This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it’s an even trade.
NOTHING ~ If you ask her what is wrong and she says NOTHING, this means something and you should be on your toes. NOTHING is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last FIVE MINUTES and end with the word FINE.
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) ~ This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over NOTHING and will end with the word FINE.
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) ~ This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by NOTHING and FINE and she will talk to you in about FIVE MINUTES when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH ~ This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over NOTHING.
SOFT SIGH ~ Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT’S OKAY ~ This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go ahead.” At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO ~ This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”
THANKS ~ A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say “you’re welcome.”
THANKS A LOT ~ This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing.”
True Definition of Globalization
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 13, 2010 | No Comments
Question: What is the true definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana’s death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This message is sent to you using Bill Gates’s technology, and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that use Chinese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Pakistani lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal…..
That, my friend, is Globalization!
Slopes
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 12, 2010 | No Comments
Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper.
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart.
Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the “tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom.
He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.
He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn’t help matters.
So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white would provide more than adequate camouflage.
So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move.
Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.
Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.
At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.
“So how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk.
“It was the damnedest thing you ever saw,” he said, “I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look, and I guess I didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell out of the lift. So, how’d you break your arm?”
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