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Bad Example

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 31, 2010 | No Comments

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a “bitch” and the women called the man a “bastard”.

Their son walked in and said “What does bitch and bastard mean?” and the parents replied “ladies and gentlemen”.

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said “feel my titties” and the man said “feel my dick”.

Their son walked in and asked “What does titties and dick mean?” and the parents replied “hats and coats”.

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, “Shit” he said, the kid came in and asked “What’s that mean” and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, “Fuck” she said. Once again the kid asked “What’s that mean” the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said “Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

Contribute By – http://uvervid.com

The Blonde Counselor

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 30, 2010 | No Comments

A blonde began a job as a primary school counselor, and she was most eager to help. One day during break time she noticed this boy standing all by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.

Sandy approached him and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was.

A little while later, however, she noticed the boy was still in the same spot and still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, “Would you like me to be your friend?”

The boy hesitated, then said, “Okay,” looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, “Why are you standing here all by yourself?”

“Because,” the little boy said, “I’m the fooking goalie!”

Bible

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 29, 2010 | No Comments

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS.”

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,…

“…And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.”

A Colorful Reunion

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 28, 2010 | No Comments

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?”

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

Crazy Save

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 27, 2010 | No Comments

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office.

“Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.”

“Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. James replied. “I hung him up to dry.

Teeth Vs Tongue

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 26, 2010 | No Comments

Teeth said to Tongue “If I just press you little hard, you will get cut. Tongue replied: “If I misuse one word against someone, then all the 32 of you will come out at once”

Intelligent

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 25, 2010 | No Comments

Boy: Boys are always more intelligent than girls
Girl: Any proof?
Boy: We always say intelliGENT, have u ever heard telling intelliLADY. .??;-)

Most Powerful Search Engine

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 24, 2010 | No Comments

Google maybe the most powerful search engine but, it can’t search the chappals u lost at the temple

A Grateful Mother

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 23, 2010 | No Comments

An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued:

“But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered.”

The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added:

“Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family.”

“What is your fee?” the woman inquired.

“Two hundred dollars,” was the answer.

The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.

The Five Stages of Drunkenness

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 22, 2010 | No Comments

Stage 1 – SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you’re still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ’cause you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people whom you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are smart, you’re RICH and Hell,you’re better looking than them anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. at this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people whom you fancy, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you – and because you’re still SMART you know ALL the words.

Remember, Don’t Drink and Drive! (you might spill it!)

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