Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Think Outside Your Box

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 20, 2010 | 2 Comments

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

THINK ABOUT IT BEFORE YOU SCROLL DOWN. THINK THINK THINK

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”

Personally, I would have run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, shagged the perfect woman against the bus stop and drove off with my old friend.

X-Ray Glasses

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 19, 2010 | No Comments

A Blonde goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn’t fully convinced they are worth $50. The salesman assures him that they work and that $50 is a great price. The blonde decides to buy them.

On his way home, he puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo, he sees everyone in the street naked!

He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on…everyone is naked! ‘Cool!’

As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can’t find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and some guy, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.

He throws down the glasses in disgust and says, ‘Damn, I just paid fifty-bucks for these, and they’re already broken!’

Two Car Salesmen

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 18, 2010 | No Comments

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other,

“Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking arse.”

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

“That’s okay,” the blonde replied, “If I don’t sell more arse this month, I’m going to lose my fucking car.”

Dying

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 17, 2010 | No Comments

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and says.

“I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”

Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said,

“Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t too well. I have cancer, and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends,

“I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion.

“Dad, I thought you said that you’re dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?”

Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer, son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone”.

Father Nights Out

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 16, 2010 | No Comments

Father Joseph went up to Father Patrick one afternoon and said,

“I am sick of all this clean living. Tonight let’s you and me go out and party. We’ll carouse, drink, whatever we want.”

Patrick was shocked. “Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn’t, they would see our clothes and know we were priests.”

Joe was ready for this. “Don’t be silly. We won’t stay in town, we’ll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we’ll dress just like anyone else.”

In the end, he managed to persuade Patrick, and they went out that night and partied like professionals.

When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Patrick’s face became pale. “I just thought of something,” he said. “We have to confess this.”

Again, Joe was ready. “Relax, I told you I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I’ll go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I’ll absolve you.”

Patrick was amazed at Joe’s brilliance.

So Joseph went in later that morning and said, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we’re both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, and danced to wicked music.”

Patrick answered, “God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys, and you will be absolved of your sin.”

A while later, their places were reversed as Patrick came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered,

“I don’t believe this. And you dare to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 Our Fathers, 500 Hail Marys, donate all your money to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God’s forgiveness. Then come back and we’ll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees.”

“What? ” Father Patrick was shocked. “What about our agreement?”

Joe replied, “Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously.”

Successful Rancher

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 15, 2010 | No Comments

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well.

Then one day the rancher’s wife said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town.

However, one o’clock came and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand, finally two thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher’s wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her.

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.

Trembling, he did as she asked.

“Now take off my boots.”

He did so, slowly.

“Now take off my socks.”

He did.

“Now take off my skirt.”

He did.

“Now take off my bra.”

Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.

“Now,” she said, “take off my panties.”

He slowly pulled them down.

Then she looked at him and said,

“Don’t you ever wear my clothes to town again!!”

Pre-Flight Announcements on Airplanes

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 14, 2010 | 1 Comment

The in-flight “safety lecture” and pre-flight announcements on airplanes are sometimes spiced up a bit at some airlines. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”


“On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of you belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”


“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”


“Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”


“After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted.”


From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”


“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”


Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”


“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”


“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

Prejudice Against Italians

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 13, 2010 | No Comments

Two Germans are walking down the street. One of them is notorious for his prejudice against Italians. Yet when he sees an Italian organ grinder with a monkey, he throws $20 into the monkey’s hat.

His friend is surprised.

“But people have been telling me for years how much you hated Italians, and here you go and do that.”

To which the guy replies,

“Well, I couldn’t help myself, they’re so cute when they’re little.”

Eyesight

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 12, 2010 | 2 Comments

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me.

Then I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face!

What’s WRONG with me, Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:
“Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

Two Prostitutes

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 11, 2010 | No Comments

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: “TWO PROSTITUTES – $50.00.”

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: “JESUS SAVES.”

One of the girls asked the cop, “Why don’t you stop them?!”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:

“TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER – $50.00.”

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