Health Club
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 21, 2010 | No Comments
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I’ll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine – which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the jerk!) will choose a gift for me that is fun – like a root canal or a hysterectomy
First Sex Store
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 20, 2010 | 1 Comment
The Russian couple’s sex life was terrible, so they were quite excited when Moscow’s first Sex Store opened up across the street.
“Helga, why don’t you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray I’ve read about?” said Ivan.
She agreed.
An hour later, she returned, all excited.
“You should see all the flavors they have,” she told her husband.
“Strawberry, cherry, banana……..”
“What kind did you get?” he interrupted.
“Tuna,” she replied.
Indian that Tell Time
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 19, 2010 | 1 Comment
This cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a clearing.
There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection.
“What are you doing?” the cowboy asks.
The Indian answers, “Me tell time.”
The cowboy says, “Ok. If you are so good, what time is it?”
The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, “It 2 o’clock.”
The cowboy looks at his watch and says, “By Golly, you are right!”
The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket.
“Don’t tell me..you’re telling time also?”
Indian looks up at him and says, “Yes, me telling time.”
The cowboy says, “Okay smartass, what time is it?”
The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, “It 4 o’clock.”
The cowboy is amazed at the Indians, so he keeps walking.
A few hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating.
“Don’t tell me you are telling time!!??”
The Indian looks up at him and says, “No, me winding watch!!”
Adam And Eve
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 18, 2010 | 1 Comment
One day in the Garden of Eden…
Eve : Adam, do you really love me?
Adam: no, not really.
Eve : WHAT?! Then why did you make love to me??
Adam: HELLO?!? as if I had a choice!
Fatal Accident
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 17, 2010 | No Comments
A young man was brought into a Toronto hospital with an arrow in his brain. The police explained that the victim was with a friend at an archery range, and lost an expensive arrow by overshooting the target. The bowman searched the thicket behind the target, but couldn’t find his arrow. So he called out to his friend, “Hey shoot another one,” thinking it would help him locate the original. The friend complied, and the arrow flew true, striking the victim between the eyeballs and piercing his brain case. He is in intensive care and hemiplegic, with survival uncertain.
Drunk Test
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 16, 2010 | No Comments
A car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. “What are those for?” she asked suspiciously.
“I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.”
“Well, show me,” the officer demanded.
The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.
Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, “My God. I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the test they’re giving now.”
Wife
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 15, 2010 | No Comments
Q: What does the word WIFE stand for?
A: Washing, Ironing, Fucking and etc…
Q: What’s the strongest muscle in your wife’s body?
A: Your penis.
Hi-Tech Conversation
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 14, 2010 | No Comments
Husband: Hi Dear, I am logged in.
Wife: Would you like to have some snacks?
Husband: Hard disk full.
Wife: Have you brought the stuff which i asked for?
Husband: Bad command or file name.
Wife: But I told you about it in the morning!
Husband: Syntax error, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife: Oh my God! Forget it, where’s your salary?
Husband: File in use, read only. try after some time.
Wife: At least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing violation, access denied.
Wife: I made a mistake in marrying you!
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless!
Husband: By default.
Wife: Who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband: System unstable. Press ctrl, alt, del to reboot.
Wife: What is my value in your life?
Husband: Unknown virus detected.
Wife: Do you love me or your computer?!
Husband: Too many parameters.
Wife: I will go to my dad’s house!
Husband: Program performed illegal operation, it will close.
Wife: I will leave you forever!
Husband: Close all programs and log out for another user.
Wife: It’s worthless talking to you!
Husband: Shut down the computer.
Wife: I am going!!!
Husband: It is now safe to turn off your computer.
What is the definition of Mistress?
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 13, 2010 | No Comments
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
Tennis Balls
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 12, 2010 | No Comments
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
“What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.
“Oh,” said the girl sympathetically, “that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.”
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