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Joke of the Day For Everybody

I like Your Thinking

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 28, 2010 | 1 Comment

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.

“None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

“The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking.”

Martini

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 27, 2010 | 1 Comment

A lady walks into a bar and says, “Barkeep, gimme a martooni.” The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, “Barkeep, gimme another martooni.”

So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn’t say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, “Would you like another?”

She says, “Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.”

The bartender says, “Okay, there are three things wrong here:

Number 1: It’s martini, not martooni.

Number 2: It’s bartender, not barkeep, and

Number 3: You’re not having heartburn, your boob’s in the ash tray.”

Job Application

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 26, 2010 | No Comments

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

That’s it

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 25, 2010 | No Comments

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

NASA Space Pen

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 24, 2010 | No Comments

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Million to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.

Run Away

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 23, 2010 | No Comments

“Do you mind telling me why you ran away from the operating room?” the hospital administrator asked the patient.

Because the nurse said, “Don’t be afraid!
An appendectomy is quite simple.”

” So….”

” So?” exclaimed the man..”She was talking that to the doctor!!!!”

Fly in a Coffee

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 22, 2010 | No Comments

If A Fly Falls In A Cup Of Coffee:

1. Englishman: Throws his cup away and walks out

2. American: Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee

3. Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the coffee away

4. Japanese: Drinks the coffee with insect as it is coming free

5. Palestinian: Sells the coffee to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets new cup of coffee.

6. Israeli: Accuse the Palestinian for throwing insect into his coffee. Relates the issue to violence. Asks the American for Military aid. Takes loan from America to buy one more cup of coffee.

Who Enjoy Sex More

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 21, 2010 | No Comments

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered.

“Think about this – When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better – your ear or your finger?”

Two Friends

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 20, 2010 | 2 Comments

Two friends, one very wealthy and the other quite poor, were sitting in a bar late one night. They were talking about different things when the poor man asked the rich man.

“So what did you end up giving you wife for her birthday, the Mercedes or the diamond ring?”

“I got her the Mercedes and the diamond ring,” says the rich man.

The poor man, a bit puzzled, asked, “Why the hell did you get her both?”

The rich man replied, “I got her both so if she doesn’t like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler’s to exchange it. So… What did YOU buy for YOUR wife?”

The poor man says, “I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo.”

Obviously confused, the rich man asked why he chose those items.

The poor man replied,

“Because if she doesn’t like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself!”

Cheating

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 19, 2010 | 1 Comment

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago.

So she sends him this care package.He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows.

He invites a couple of his buddies over and they’re all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his bestfriend’s privates. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.

She then looks at the camera and says, “By the way, I want a divorce.”

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