Hit-and-Run Accident Scene
Funny Joke Posted on | January 21, 2010 | No Comments
So, while reporting a hit-and-run accident scene, the first policeman says to the second, “OK: body on the road, hands on the road, legs on the road, head on the median.”
His partner writes, stops, thinks for a moment, then asks, “How do you spell ‘median’?”
So the first policeman looks around, kicks the head and says, “Head on the road.”
Knowing when you Dying
Funny Joke Posted on | January 20, 2010 | 2 Comments
Fellow 1: “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.”
Fellow 2: “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all of that?”
Fellow 1: “A judge told him.”
Speeding
Funny Joke Posted on | January 19, 2010 | No Comments
A man was driving a rig in a long line of tractor-trailers when a police officer pulled him over for speeding. Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked, “Out of all these trucks that were going just as fast as I was, why did you pull me over?”
“Have you ever gone fishing?” the officer asked.
“Yes,” Walt replied.
“Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?”
Tried and Trusted
Funny Joke Posted on | January 18, 2010 | No Comments
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, “I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.”
The banker said, “Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him.”
Misspelled
Funny Joke Posted on | January 17, 2010 | No Comments
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
Contemporary Service
Funny Joke Posted on | January 16, 2010 | No Comments
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. “Pull down your pants,” whispered the pastor. “Uh, Reverend, I’ve changed my mind,” the groom responded. “I think I would prefer the traditional service.”
T.G.I.F.
Funny Joke Posted on | January 15, 2010 | No Comments
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by msaying “T-G-I-F.”
He smiled at her and replied “S-H-I-T.” She looked at him, puzzled, and said “T-G-I-F” again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering “S-H-I-T.” The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest msmile and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F” another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression,”S-H-I-T.”
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, T-hank G-oodness I-ts F-riday; get it?” The man answered, “S-H-I-T, S-orry H-oney, I-t’s T-hursday.”
Lock, Stock and Barrel
Funny Joke Posted on | January 14, 2010 | No Comments
An entrepreneur attended an auction at which he won the bid on an old safe. With dreams of a large fortune inside, he was told that the business from which the safe originated was so long defunct, that no one had the combination. Undaunted, he called a locksmith to try to get the safe open.
The first locksmith told the entrepreneur that it would cost forty dollars to open the safe intact. However, tried as he might, he couldn’t open it, and told the wealthy man that he had lost his money in buying the safe.
The entrepreneur then contacted another locksmith, a crusty, bent old man with three days’ growth of white whiskers, who took a long look at the safe, noted its manufacturer and retired to his truck. Shortly, he returned with a power drill, a ruler, and a small, bent piece of metal.
The locksmith measured a few inches from the dial and marked an “x” at the “two o’clock” mark. It took more than half an hour for the old man to drill through the safe’s door. He then took the bent metal, hooked it through the hole and fished around a few moments until a loud “CLICK” was heard. Turning the handle the door swung open slowly.
The safe was empty.
Disappointed, the entrepreneur turned to the locksmith and asked the charge for opening the safe.
“A hundred and twenty dollars,” replied the locksmith.
“A hundred and twenty dollars?!” shouted the businessman, “That’s outrageous! mThe other man only wanted forty! I want an itemized bill for it!”
“Okay.” The locksmith turned on his heel and returned to his truck. A few mminutes later, the entrepreneur was presented with a dirty piece of paper upon which the locksmith had written:
“Charge for drilling hole — $20
Charge for knowing WHERE to drill hole — $100.”
Size Does Matter!!!
Funny Joke Posted on | January 13, 2010 | No Comments
A man went to the doctor and said, “Doctor, I’ve got a problem, but if you’re going to treat it, first you’ve got to promise not to laugh.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” the doctor said. “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
“I’m so sorry,” he said. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won’t happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen.”
Can’t Get it Down
Funny Joke Posted on | January 12, 2010 | No Comments
A guy had been suffering with a priapism for several days. No amount of sex would make him lose his erection. He went to the pharmacy and asked the lady behind the counter if he might get a word with the pharmacist.
She was a little pissed off at his assumption. “Sir, I am the pharmacist.”
“No,” he explained, “I need to speak to a male pharmacist.”
“Sir,” she repeated, “I am the pharmacist, my sister is also a pharmacist, we own this store. I would consider it a personal & professional compliment if you would ask me any question that you might ask of a male pharmacist.
Our hero was long on pecker, but short of words with embarrassment. He whipped out a 14 inch purple helmeted soldier of passion. “O.K. Lady, what can you give me for this…..”
Now it was her turn to be embarrassed, “Um,Um, excuse me Sir. I must consult with my sister.” She disappeared into the back.
She came back a minute later still red-faced. “We can give you $600 for a great weekend and half interest in the store.”
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