Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Christmas Present

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 31, 2010 | No Comments

A little boy sits on Santa’s lap. Santa says “I bet I know what you want for Christmas,” and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells “T-O-Y-S”.

The little boy thinks a second and says, “No, I have enough toys.”

Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, “C-A-N-D-Y.”

Again the little boy thinks a second and says, “No, I have all kinds of candy.”

“Well what would you like for Christmas?” Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, “P-U-S-S-Y, and don’t tell me you don’t have any because I can smell it on your finger!”

How Mike Die

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 30, 2010 | No Comments

One says “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead!”

“Wooo, what the hell happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die!”

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!””No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”

“Man, what a way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now that is one awful way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he …”

“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”

“I shot him!”

“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”

“He was wrecking my f**king house.”

Woman

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 29, 2010 | No Comments

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Bum Deodorant

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 28, 2010 | No Comments

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”

“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

“Do you have the container it comes in?”

“Yes!” said the blonde, “I’ll go home and get it.”

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,

“To apply, push up bottom.”

Commit Suicide

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 27, 2010 | No Comments

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman’s doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time.

She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again–the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules.

Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he’d better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs–she’s coming downstairs, he’s heading up.

“Honey, I have a confession to make,” the woman says, her voice quavering. “I was about to commit suicide.”

“I’m glad to hear it, sweetie,” the man says, “Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!”

Kilted Scotsman

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 26, 2010 | No Comments

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, `I`ve always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.` She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said, `Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!` So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around his manhood, and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt…and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said, `I don know where y`been lad…but it`s nice ta`know y`won first prize!`

A Jealous Husband

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 25, 2010 | No Comments

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.

The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”

The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

Affair

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 24, 2010 | No Comments

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!”

“Hell,” she answered, ripping open her blouse. “Look what he did to my tits!”

Young Wife

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 23, 2010 | 1 Comment

A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalized. When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, “Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You’ll never need to worry about money.” “Oh, sweetheart, please don’t talk that way,” his young wife exclaimed. “You’ve been so good to me already. If you go, I’ll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please….tell me what I can do?”

“Well,” the old man gasped, “you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters.”

Pigs Have Needs Too

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 22, 2010 | No Comments

After three crop failures in a row farmer Jones could not pay his loan at the bank. “Give me one more chance he pleaded. Don’t take my farm, we’ll be broke and homeless.”

The bank manager comes up with an idea. “OK, one more chance but not with crops. No one fails at pig farming so we’ll finance the purchase of five sows to start you off. Your neighbor down the road has a boar pig and you’ll have to take your sows to him so the boar can service them. In a few months you should have a bunch of little piglets all ready for market.

Farmer Jones collects the five sows, loads them into his pickup truck, drives to his neighbor and unloads the five sows into the boar’s pen. They then go back to the farm house and have a couple of beers.

When enough time has passed they go back to the boar’s pen and load five happy sows into the pickup. Farmer Jones asks, “What if it didn’t take?”

“That never happens with my boar,” replies the neighbor.

“But how can I tell for sure?”

“Look, tomorrow morning observe your sows. If they’re rolling in the mud, it took, if they’re on the grass, call me.”

The following morning farmer Jones observed his sows strolling on the grass. He calls his neighbor who instructs him to bring them back. He rounds them up, loads them into the pickup and drives to the boar’spen where the whole process is repeated.

Unlucky farmer Jones has to load them in the pickup and take them back four times. On the fifth morning he is so worried he can’t look. He stalls for half an hour then asks his wife to look. “I hope they’re not on the grass, dear.”

“Well they’re not,” says his wife.

“Oh finally, then they’re rolling in the mud!” exclaimed the farmer.

“No…”

“Well what are those fool sows doing?

“Well, four are trying to climb into the pickup and the fifth managed to climb into the cab and is trying to honk the horn!!!”

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