Pregnant
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 11, 2009 | 1 Comment
Jack has a girlfriend he takes to a hotel for a night of pleasure. Lying in bed the following morning he’s getting heartburn from worrying about the possible unpleasant consequences that could result from his indiscretion. He asks his companion: “What would you do if you found out you were pregnant?”
“I’d jump out of this tenth-story window!”, she tells him.
Jack, with a great sigh of relief, looks at her admiringly and says, “Such a doll.”
Sunburn
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 10, 2009 | 1 Comment
He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, “What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?”
The doctor replied, “It’ll keep the sheets off his legs.”
Great Sales
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 9, 2009 | 1 Comment
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, “Here is a great sale on tires!”
His wife replied, “What do you want tires for? You don’t have a car.”
He says, “Do I complain when you go out and buy a new bra?”
Your Son
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 8, 2009 | 1 Comment
Teacher: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.
Parent: What’s that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.
Archbishop
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 7, 2009 | No Comments
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn’t be ignored.
‘Oh dear,’ said the Queen, ‘How embarrassing. I’m frightfully sorry about that.’
‘It’s quite understandable,’ said the archbishop, and after a moment added, ‘as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.’
Genie
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 6, 2009 | No Comments
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
“I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job — a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try.”
“Poof!” said the genie.
“You’re a housewife.”
Cheap Boyfriend
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 5, 2009 | 1 Comment
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”
The clerk handed him a mirror.
Limping
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 4, 2009 | 2 Comments
When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, “Oh, nothing. It’s just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.”
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, “Gee, I never knew you played football.”
I said, “Well, I don’t. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television…”
Oh My God
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 3, 2009 | 2 Comments
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight #293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. So set back and relax – OH MY GOD!”
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants.”
A passenger in coach said, “THAT’S NOTHING. He should see the back of mine.”
Elephant Show
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 2, 2009 | 1 Comment
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person’s age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.
“Is that right?” he asked the boy.
“Oh yes.” the boy said.
The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn’t believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
Where upon the Irishman stumbled back, and with a sound of disbelief in his voice he cried, “Be gabbers, He’s right… Farty-two!”
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