WHACK
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 10, 2009 | No Comments
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and –WHACK!!– he knocks him off the bar stool and says,
“That was a karate chop from Korea.”
The little guy thinks “GEEZ” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says,
“That was a judo chop from Japan.”
So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back –WHACK!!!– He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says,
“When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.”
Final Year Project
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 9, 2009 | 2 Comments
For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. So it wouldn’t be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples’ favorite pastimes.
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.
He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
“Sir, what is your name ?” ; asked the student
“John” ,
“Sir I’m doing a school study and would like to know what is your
favorite pastime ?”
“Watching bubbles in bath,” Came the reply.
He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he
came to the next door, when he asked again.
“Sir, what is your name ?”
“Jeff !” ,
“Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime ?”
“Watching bubbles in bath,” was the answer.
Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and and all of them had the same pastime “watching bubbles in bath”.
He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses to continue the survey. At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens the door.
Our surveyor starts agins – “What is your name?” “Bubbles !”
Represent Numeric Without Using Number
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 8, 2009 | No Comments
A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions, and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’
So Murphy say’s, “Dat’s easy” and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, “What the hell’s that?”
Murphy says, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.” “Fair enough,” says the boss. “Second question, same rules, but represent 99.”
Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Der ya go sir,” he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
Murphy says, “Each trees dirty now! So it’s dirty tree, ‘n dirty tree, ‘n dirty tree, dat’s 99″
The boss is getting worried he’s’ going to have to hire Murphy, so he says “All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100.”
Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, “Got it!” He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, “There ya go sir, 100.” The boss looks at Murphy’s attempt and thinks, “Ha! Got him this time.” “Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!”
Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, “A little dog comes along and poos by each tree, so now you’ve got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job?”
The Strongest Man
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 7, 2009 | No Comments
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
A Trip on an Airplane
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 6, 2009 | No Comments
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, “I’m sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.”
Naughty Professor
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 5, 2009 | No Comments
Naughty professor
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.”They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.”
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.
“Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon.”
Businessman on his Deathbed
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 4, 2009 | No Comments
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”
“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”
The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, “Now, you have everything.”
The First Fight
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 3, 2009 | No Comments
Bill and Hillary had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and were having theirfirst fight, and it was a big one.
No matter what Bill tried to say or do, Hillary refused to compromise, or even listen. He started growing exasperated.
After a while, Bill said “When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey.”
Hillary replied, “I know. But I didn’t want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding.”
Big Luggage
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 2, 2009 | No Comments
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this carefully, with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man.
Mr. Smith pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides. “Were your bags marked like this?”, he asked. “Actually”, the man replied, “I was wondering who did this to my luggage.”
Two Question
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 1, 2009 | No Comments
Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, “Pardon me, ma’am, but may I sit here with you.”
The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, “Why certainly,” and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down.
For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything.
Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, “Ma’ am, may I ask you two questions?”
With great anticipation Marcia replied, “Why certainly!”
The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes.
“Marcia, I know we’ve only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?”
Marcia grabbed at Jimmie’s hands and said, “Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!”
She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, “You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?”
Jimmie scratched his neck and said, “Will you help me get up?”
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