Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Taxi

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 20, 2009 | No Comments

There was a lady who took a taxi home, and when the taxi driver approached her house she told him to stop, saying, “Okay, here, here is good.” Then she asked the driver, “How much is it?” And the driver replied, “Ten dollars.” Then, after searching in her purse for a while, she said, “Could you please go back 500 meters? I have only seven dollars on me!”

Faints

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 19, 2009 | 1 Comment

On a hot summer day an elderly gentleman faints in the street. A small crowd immediately gathers around him.
“Give the poor man a glass of brandy,” advises a woman. “Give him a heart massage, ” says someone else.
“No, just give him some brandy,” insists the woman. “Call an ambulance,”
yells another person.
“A brandy!” The man suddenly sits up and exclaims. “Shut up, everybody,and do as the kind lady says!”

Good Cause

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 18, 2009 | No Comments

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess. He went to the local priest. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a Jew in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the priest, “that is no sin.”

“But I charged him 20 Gulden for every week he stayed there.” “I admit that that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause”, replied the priest. “Yes, but I haven’t told him that the war is over.”

Death Bed

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 17, 2009 | No Comments

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-“

The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”

Hairspray

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 16, 2009 | No Comments

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.

He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm ! back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.” The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

Lucky

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 15, 2009 | No Comments

The cyclist, passing a pedestran crossing, runs into a man, and they both fall down. “Geez, are you lucky.” The cyclist says.

“What do you mean by lucky?” The pedestrian angrily asks. “I got hurt really bad.”

“Ah, you’re lucky because I recently lost my license. I usually drive a bus.”

My Chicken

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 14, 2009 | 1 Comment

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, “Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!”

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man’s table and says, “Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your arms!”

The man calmly looks at the! chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, “Your turn!!”

Pearl Harbour Vs Titanic

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 13, 2009 | 2 Comments

A Chinese man went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg.

After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the Director. Picking himself up, he yelled, “What the hell was that for?” The director ranted: “That’s for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@&%*~! My dad perished in that bombing!”

“I am not Japanese, you stupid **~#@#!?*! I am Chinese!” “Yeah yeah yeah… Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, you are all the same”, retorted Spielberg.

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat onto the floor.

“What was that for?” exclaimed the director. “That’s for sinking the Titanic! I had ancestors on that ship!” the Chinese replied.

“You ignorant chink! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!” shouted the director.

“Yeah yeah yeah… Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you are all the same!”

Short Jokes

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 12, 2009 | 2 Comments

1) What is a KISS?
It’s an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to further PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build next GENERATION.

2) Latest Statistics: What men do after sex?
2% eat.
3% smoke cigarettes.
4% take shower.
5% go to sleep.
86% get up and go back home to their wives.

3) Why is your dick better than a credit card?
1.Once spent recharges itself.
2.It is accepted worldwide.
3.You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

4) LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor’s son has a penis like a peanut!
MUM: You mean it’s small?
LITTLE GIRL: No it’s salty!!!

5) A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

6) A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies? MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.

7) Women top 5 lies:
5. I am a virgin.
4. It is so big.
3. I can’t do that to my best friend.
2. I won’t gain weight after marriage
1. I am coming! I am coming!!!

8) A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic.
She says: What is that?
He says: We go Home, screw, and then you disappear.

9) What is the closest thing to a woman’s period?
Your SALARY… It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn’t come, you are F*CKED!!!

Inexperienced Man

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 11, 2009 | 1 Comment

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, “You put your head between my legs and I’ll put my head between your legs.”
Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.
“What the hell was that?!?” he asked.
“Oops! I’m so sorry! Let’s try again,” she said.
On the second attempt the very same thing happened.
The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
To which he replied, “If you think I’m sticking around for 67 more of those, you’re crazy!!”

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