Tickets
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 11, 2009 | No Comments
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said,
“Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub.”
Button That Comes Off
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 10, 2009 | No Comments
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming “Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me fly I cannnot button me pants.”
“Oh Angus…I’ve got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it”
About 5 minutes later there’s a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says “My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?”
“Aye” says Angus..”I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doow to bite off the wee thread… Mr. MacDonald walked in…
Golfing
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 9, 2009 | No Comments
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth Guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it goes off, I shut off
my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, ‘Golf course or intercourse?’ So she says, ‘Wear your sweater.’ “
Hot Temper and Acid Tongue
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 8, 2009 | No Comments
A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,
“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”
All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member accepted.
“Ok” he said, “I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”
Best Sex
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 7, 2009 | No Comments
A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.
The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the bar stool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out. The bartender took one look and said, “How did it go last night?”
The mouse said, “Man, that was the best sex I ever had.”
The bartender asked, “Why do you look so bad?”
The mouse replied, “Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must have run 10 miles!”
Dentist
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 6, 2009 | 1 Comment
The pretty young Miss was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the usual “This won’t hurt a bit” routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm.
“Miss,” he said in a barely audible whisper, “You have hold of my privates!”
“Yes, doc, I know,” she smiled, “and we aren’t going to hurt each other, are we?”
Healing Peracher
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 5, 2009 | No Comments
This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you.”
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.
Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, “Ernest, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.”
Odd Question
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 4, 2009 | 2 Comments
The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.
She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, “Does this look natural?”
15 Minutes of Fame
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 3, 2009 | No Comments
A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage. Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.
He searched in the dark until he found his wife. “Did I miss much of the second act?” he asked.
“Miss it?” she said, “You were starring in it!”
The Car Accident
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 2, 2009 | No Comments
Hope all of you people like it…A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed the bumper of the parked car in front of him. Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit.
The note read:
“Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver’s license number, but I am not.”
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