Chapter Eleven
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 10, 2009 | No Comments
“The job notice posted at the Memphis State University placement office advertised for someone to set up a bookkeeping system for a local dinner theater that was filing for bankruptcy. When an eager first-year accounting student inquired, the interviewer told him that the company needed an advanced student capable of handling Chapter 11 proceedings. “”I’m sure I could do it,”" the student proclaimed confidently. “”My class is already up to chapter fourteen.”
Accident
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 9, 2009 | No Comments
“How come you’re late?” asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.
“It was awful,” she explained. “I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.”
“Wow! What did you do?” asked the bartender.
“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”
Phonetic Alphabet
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 8, 2009 | No Comments
While working as a volunteer at our local Boy Scout Council office, one of the professional staff — who was wearing street clothes instead of her usual uniform — was talking about the International Phonetic Alphabet.
She said that she had learned it some years ago and proceeded to recite it. “Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta…”
But, when she got to the letter “U,” she stumbled and asked for help.
I offered a hint: “What *aren’t* you wearing today?”
“Underwear?” she replied
God
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 7, 2009 | No Comments
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“Come on God, give me a break!!,” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”
Broken Into
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 6, 2009 | No Comments
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Sam and Becky
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 5, 2009 | No Comments
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering – have you ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”
“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…”
“Well, all right. Yes, 3 times…”
“Three? Well, when were they?” he asked.
“Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”
“Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?”
“Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?”
“I can’t believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, Darling. I couldn’t be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?”
“Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?”
Blind Justice
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 4, 2009 | No Comments
A young boy walked up to his father and asked, “Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?”
The father thought for a moment. “Yes, son. Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case.”
Wrong Arm of the Law
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 3, 2009 | No Comments
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Peace Talks Between Bill and Saddam
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 2, 2009 | 1 Comment
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddam’s chair. They begin talking. After about 5 minutes, Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the 2 countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he’s finally had enough, knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning well. “I’m going back home!” he tells the Iraqi. “We’ll finish these talks in two weeks!”
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the 2 men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on Clinton’s chair and prepares himself for the Yank’s revenge. They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, butnothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. “Forget this,” says Saddam. “I’m going back to Baghdad!” Clinton then says through tears of laughter, “What Baghdad?”
Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen!
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 1, 2009 | No Comments
A young man was strolling down a street in South London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting “Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen” over and over again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn’t. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, “Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen…”
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