Children
Funny Joke Posted on | September 20, 2009 | No Comments
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.”
Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one as if it’s your own.”
Pregnant
Funny Joke Posted on | September 19, 2009 | 2 Comments
The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn’t say who was responsible. “All right !” bellowed her Mother, “you march yourself to your room, and don’t come out until you can give us a definite answer.”
Later that night her voice rang down the stairs. “Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now.”
“I should hope so !” the Mother responded. “The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father.”
“Chill Mom.” the girl said. “I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team.”
MAN on the WOMEN’S tee
Funny Joke Posted on | September 18, 2009 | No Comments
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker – “Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men’s tee, please!”
Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement – “Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S tee kindly back up to the men’s tee!”
Murray had had enough. He breaks his stance, lowers his driver back to the ground and shouts, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut the heck up and let me play my second shot?”
Difficult Landing
Funny Joke Posted on | September 17, 2009 | No Comments
The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a – ‘Thanks for flying XYZ airline’.
An airline pilot on this particular flight hammered his plane into the runway really hard. In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the passengers in the eye, all the time he thought that a passenger would have a smart comment. However, it seemed that all the passengers were too shell shocked to say anything.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?’ Why no Ma’am,’ said the pilot, ‘What is it’, the little old lady said, ‘Did we land or were we shot down?’
Old Benny
Funny Joke Posted on | September 16, 2009 | No Comments
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road.
Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked for help and the farmer said Benny could pull his car out.
So he backed Benny up and hitched him to the man’s car bumper. Then he yelled:
Pull, Nellie, pull!
Benny didn’t move.
Then he yelled”
Come on, Pull Ranger!
Still, Benny didn’t move.
Then he yelled really loud:
Now pull, Fred…. pull hard!
Benny just stood there.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said:
Ok, Benny… now pull.
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer:
I really appreciate that, but why did you call your horse by wrong name 3 times.
Why, old Bennys blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he won’t even try.
Great Sales
Funny Joke Posted on | September 15, 2009 | 1 Comment
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store’s opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:
“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don’t open the store!”
Divine Right
Funny Joke Posted on | September 14, 2009 | No Comments
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, “Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse.”
“But Father, I have a divine right,” she says.
“Yes, I see,” he says. And your left one isn’t bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!”
Ham Hero
Funny Joke Posted on | September 13, 2009 | No Comments
A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, “Sure, we can put you up.”
The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.
Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks “Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig’s neck?”
The farmer says “Sure. It’s really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son’s life. So, we gave him the medal.”
The vagrant is amazed and says “Well, how about that silver medal?”
The farmer says “A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal.”
The homeless man says “While I’m at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal.”
The farmer says “My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal”
The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks “What about the wooden leg?”
The farmer says, matter-of-factly, “Well, you don’t eat a pig like THAT all at once!”
Check Me Out
Funny Joke Posted on | September 12, 2009 | No Comments
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
“Excuse me,” she said, “I’m in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?”
The clerk turned, looked her up and down, and smiled, “Not bad.”
Stiff Neck
Funny Joke Posted on | September 11, 2009 | No Comments
A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.
About Funny Joke Diary
This site is dedicated to everybody who like Funny Jokes.
Make A Donation
Funny Jokes everyday for three months from http://JokeDiary.com via email for just 1 dollar donation.
Search Funny Jokes
Nuffnang
Link Me Up
Chat Box